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You are interested in gay almost-sex because you write about it all the time. Fun fact: The vast majority of readers of man-on-man gay romance novels are older straight women.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tasha
WON is MARRIED and I'm not interested in any sexual activity of any kind.Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterV
Hey, now that's a fun fact.
Maybe Karen should write a gay romance novel.
Oh wait, that's what she's doing, never mind.
You know, for an asexual American born Jamaican forty-something woman she sure has a strong interest in gay men; not so much the physical as the social and emotional aspects of homosexuals existing in this world, flirting and hooking up.
But for reasons unknown Karen falls short of getting "nasty."
She doesn't write about anal sex, felching, cock sucking or any of the other rites of passage, and it would be more interesting than her describing their breakfast menu in excruciating detail..
Billy and Axl did have anal sex VERY early on in their relationship, twice, but I since said they kiss and cuddle. Axl Rose is a real person, so I don't want him to possibly sue me for having my Fictional Axl Rose constantly having sex with Billy. So I kept the sex two times and stopped. Hell, he might take offense at my Fictional Axl Rose kissing and cuddling with a man/having a Boyfriend. I kept my Fictional Older Axl straight however.Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterV
Axl and Billy should invent a new gay sex act: poking each other's eyes with their dicks. It's like 69, but causes more eye infections.
Tasha, just kidding about poking each other's eyes with their dicks. Then it would be very hard for them to see while playing on stage at the James L. Knight Center.
Or have them get on their knees side by side and start jerking off.
The "Winner" is he who's load of cum is shot the furthest distance.
The "Loser" has to clean the bathroom.
*psssst....bet on the younger guy*
Maybe have their contests secretly videoed and posted online, going viral, inducing the I.O.C. to introduce it as a new event at the next Olympic games?
Would competitive ejaculating fall under water sports?Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterV
Eew. :eek:Quote:
Originally Posted by pinchingyourballsWould competitive ejaculating fall under water sports?Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterV
Axl and Billy cuddled under the covers on the couch in the luxurious penthouse suite at the James L. Knight Center. They were eating bagels with cream cheese and drinking orange juice with a splash of limoncello. On the telly was an old episode of the Maury show. They giggled at the antics of fat ghetto guests, and also at the equally ghetto audience members who were too dumb to realize it was all staged and most of the guests were out of work actors.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tasha
"I'm glad we are characters in a gay romance novel!" Axl said to Billy with deep affection.
"Me too!" replied Billy trying his best to match Axl's enthusiasm. But all was not right with Billy. Not right at all.
You see, last night he had secretly stayed awake trying to compute by hand the set of eigenvalues of an N by N matrix whose (i, j)th entries were defined by a simple formula 1+a^i*b^j for distinct real numbers a and b with a, b both greater than 1. The general formula for the set of eigenvalues for such a matrix had absolutely no real-world or Fan Fiction world applications whatsoever, it was merely mental masturbation. But finding a pattern or general formula in terms of a, b, and N proved difficult and he laid awake wondering if he was a bad mathematician, or a good mathematician who worked on bad problems. Suddenly he was snapped out of his train of thought by the eardrum shattering sound of a hot wet queef-fart. Axl heard the noise too.
"Did you hear that?"
"Yeah, it sounded like it came from behind the couch."
In a paranoid frenzy, Billy and Axl jumped from the couch and tried to move it away from the wall. It proved very difficult. Mike walked in on them and gave them a hand. With the combined power of three poofs, they managed to move the couch 5 inches away from the wall. They peered into the black abyss and saw two eyes and a set of teeth, like the Cheshire cat. In horror they jumped back, fearing it was a ghost. But then the ghost spoke with a familiar voice.
"Don't mind me guys, I just like listening to your conversations so I can get material for the story!"
Tasha-Kentry had a sleepless night, tossing, turning, her mind feverishly flip-flopping like a carp out of water.
But FINALLY...she knew.
"I'm a male homosexual in the body of a woman: that must be it! Why else am I so attracted to homosexual sex between two men?"
So she wrote herself into her time traveling / doppelganger mess-ter-piece interjecting herself into the boudoir of her protagonist, ready to test her identity theory.
"Hello boys, I am your Creator."
They shook hands and thanked her and she welcomed them.
"It seems I was wrong; I thought I was asexual but I now realize that I am a homosexual man, just like the two of you, but I am trapped in the body of a woman."
After brief discussion Tasha-Kentry took her clothes off and got on the water bed with Axl and Bllie; "OK, now what? How does this "sex thing" go down, anyway?"
"We caress each other gently to start" answered Axl; he began his explorations then yelled "Eureka! I've found it!"
He explained that he discovered her REAL problem: "Tasha-Kentry, you are a hermaphrodite."
"No, I'm a Baptist."
"No, I mean you have the sexual organs of both a man and a woman, that is why you're confused. Look, see this?"
He pointed to a dangling bit of flesh in her crotch.
"This isn't a clit, it's a penis. And look, immediately behind it is a vagina."
It was as if a light bulb had gone off in her noggin.
"I think I get it; Since I have both I've wanted neither."
"Exactly! You are so lucky, dearie: you really CAN "have it all." Here, let me show you a neat trick. Get on your knees"
With that he took her penis and inserted its tip into her vagina, saying "Now we need to stimulate you, make the blood flow."
Axl rimmed Tasha-Kentry for what seemed an eternity, causing her to moan and whimper as her cock expanded and filled her vagina, flooding her with new-found sensations of warmth, happiness and tingling joy.
"OK, here we go..."
He roughly inserted his lubed torpedo into her winking anus while Billie stuck his throbbing love missile down her throat.
"Mmmmpphhhh" said Tasha-Kentry: she was finally complete with her new-found trifecta.
Abby Garn was crouched behind the window of the kitchen of the luxurious penthouse suite in the James L Knight Center. Yes, I know what a penthouse is. She was defying the laws of physics and hovering mid-air. From her perch she overheard the whole hullabaloo involving members of Cake Cream finding Tasha queefing behind their couch. Abby was recording the sounds of their shrieks and farts so that she could resample them and make her own hit song with the help of her producer boyfriend Kewlio "Dawg" Singer.
After Abby procured enough hours of recording, she took them back to the studio. Kewlio "Dawg" Singer recorded her playing a few chords on a guitar and singing a few bars of a melody he had come up with in the shower. Then he worked his magic and created the hit song of the summer. Abby was ecstatic. Agents of other bands were blowing up her phone wanting to do collabs and seeing if she was available as an opening act. Abby finally realized her dream of opening for Cake Cream at the James L Knight Center.
All was going well during her set when suddenly there was a horrible shaking and low moaning coming from the floor itself. Shit, we're all falling into a sink hole, she mused. Abby kept playing for as long as the power stayed on. In a matter of minutes, Abby Garn, everyone in Cake Cream, Tasha (who always hides backstage during their shows) and 3000 retarded fans were swallowed up by Gaia.
Oh my God, you managed to put THREE different Posters into one name! LMAO! :DQuote:
Originally Posted by pinchingyourballs
Thank you for reading and appreciating my art. I haven't yet found a way to combine 4 VCT forum names into a single character, but maybe you can give it a try. Kewl, Dawg, and Singer naturally go together as they are three sides of the same coin. Maybe you can create a character who shows up for just one chapter, like a fan who tries to sneak backstage, or a grocery store clerk who is too chatty and asks Axl and the gang about all the breakfast items they are buying.
A Fan did sneak backstage and filmed Axl and Billy kissing after a Cake Cream Show and Uploaded it to YouTube. Axl and Billy were still in the closet when the Fan filmed and Uploaded the video. The kissing video went viral and Billy and Axl publicly admitted that they were dating each other.Quote:
Originally Posted by pinchingyourballs
Axl and Billy should get married by now.
Also I think you should introduce an enigmatic female character who likes gambling. She is a lottery winner from Florida who happens to have millions of dollars to spend, so she sometimes hires Cake Cream to do private shows at lavish parties she throws in Miami. Since she is a lottery winner who no longer has to work at her old minimum wage job, she spends her free time pursuing her passion for writing. One night, one of the Cake Cream members accidentally sees some of her writing samples while they are at her mansion doing a show, and they decide she is such a good writer that they ask her to write songs for them.
Mr V and Pinching, here is a copy and paste of the Chapter where Billy and Axl had sex.
I decided that the real world Axl might want to sue me if my Fictional Axl kept having sex with another man, so I just have Billy and Axl cuddle and kiss after this chapter. ;)Quote:
Billy shyly asked Axl if he wanted to sleep in Billy's bed. Axl said,,"Yes," with a big smile. Billy smiled too. They both climbed into Billy's bed. Billy lovingly massaged Axl's gunshot wounds, and Axl felt loved and comfortable. Then Billy kissed him on the mouth and Axl kissed him back. After kissing, Billy asked him,"Where do we go? Where do we go? Where do we go now?" And Axl smiled. They snuggled together and fell asleep.
They woke up in the morning about 3 AM. They were still hiding their relationship from Cake Cream. Billy and Axl decided they wanted to go book a Hotel Room just them two. They packed their Suitcases, showered and dressed. Then they ordered a LYFT to the Local Marriott while the rest of Cake Cream were all asleep and left with the suitcases when their LYFT arrived. They went to the Local Marriott and booked a Hotel Room for just them two.
They settled in and made out with wild abandon and passion. Axl and Billy had brought condoms, and lubricant with them and wanted to make love to each other. Axl put on the condom and lubed up Billy and entered Billy, face to face and made gentle love to him. They also kissed sensually while doing the gentle lovemaking. They both loved this. As Axl came, he held Billy's hand. Billy moaned with pleasure as this happened.
The lovemaking was something they both wanted. After Axl in Billy lovemaking happened, Billy said he wanted to return the favor and Axl was up for this. Billy got a new condom and lubed up Axl and put the condom on him and entered Axl this time. They were face to face once again and Billy was also gentle with the lovemaking he did to and Billy and Axl did more sensual kissing. They loved the gentle lovemaking and sensual kissing. As Billy came, he held Axl's hand too and Axl also found himself moaning with pleasure. After the lovemaking, they showered, showering each other luxuriously and making out again. They finished showering, toweled off, and got dressed and went to sleep together.
Axl woke up about 9 and saw he had missed calls from Andy, Mike, James, and Jimmy and the voicemails were basically asking him where the hell were Axl and Billy. Axl looked at Billy sleeping peacefully with a smile on his face and Axl smirked. He enjoyed the lovemaking he and Billy had done. Billy woke up a little while later and also saw he had missed calls from Andy,Mike,James, and Jimmy that had voicemails asking him where the hell were he and Axl. Billy and Axl looked at each other and smirked mischievously. Billy and Axl made out with each other again. After they made out, they ordered Room Service and ate and drank and got ready for the day.
Since you included the minor irrelevant details about them showering and ordering a LYFT (as opposed to Uber) perhaps next time you write a butt sex scene you should also mention that the receiver(s) took a dump. Because what if the ol' in-out in the butt made one of them have to go #2 really urgently? Probably best to void the bowels beforehand.
BTW, anyone who ever votes you worst VCT member has zero taste in trolls. You are par excellence among trolls.
In that Chapter, it's weird that I mentioned that they showered at around 3 AM, and then showered again after having sex. I think realistically you would just shower after the sex, right? :confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by pinchingyourballs
Also, Billy and Axl sitting around making out, eating room service and just hanging out when they knew their Friends were worried about them was weird too, luckily the very next Chapter I wrote that Billy and Axl called Jimmy, Mike, Andy, and James that they were okay.
So Karen, what is the next adventure for Cake Cream and the spun off trio?
Might I suggest they compete against each other in a Battle of the Bands?
Oh, don't forget to work "DQ strawberry blizzards" in there somewhere, it's always a plot point.
Today was the big day. Kentry had finally saved up enough money to take him and his girlfriends Tasha and Karice to Vegas for a special romantic getaway, just the three of them. As they boarded their plane in Miami, Tasha and Karice sat up front in first class while Kentry made his way back to shrieking toddlers with bleary-eyed parents class. He had decided to forgo a first class ticket for himself so that his special ladies might have a little more fun money. He prayed to Vishnu he wasn't seated near any humans who had spent fewer than 6 years on this spinning rock. But seeing as he was in the middle of a three-seat row, what he should have prayed for was to not be squashed between two fatties.
"Scuse me!" wheezed a fatty who eyed the window seat on Kentry's right. The fatty profusely apologized as his mass pushed Kentry to the left. Just then another fatty waddled down the aisle. To Kentry's horror, that fatty's eyes were fixed on the aisle seat to Kentry's left.
"Scuse me!" wheezed fatty number two as he pushed Kentry into an impossible position. The two fatties, by merely existing in their seats, managed to squish Kentry so hard that he disappeared. The fatties did not notice the soft popping sound or the accompanying sparkling fairy dust that burst out from the spot where Kentry had been. They had already fallen fast asleep and were snoring like tractors.
When the plane landed in Las Vegas, fatty number one woke up and looked at his companion. Had there not been a skinny man sitting between us? he mused. Fatty number tapped his companion's jiggling mass to wake him up.
"Rob dot Singer, wake up. We landed. Where'd that skinny dude go? I coulda sworn that when we boarded there was someone sitting here in the middle seat."
Fatty number two woke up and observed.
"That's weird, Dawg. I coulda sworn the same thing. You think he went to the bathroom?"
"Maybe. It will be a great story to tell Kewl when he picks us up. It's a good thing he got that handicap parking permit for being morbidly obese like us. Airport parking and pick up is the worst."
Then they had a hearty laugh at all the skinny plebes who didn't have handicap permits.
After picking up their luggage, the two fatties waddled and wheezed their way to the parking structure where the met up with their brother Kewl, who was some how even fatter and wheezier than them. After much huffing and puffing, they stowed their luggage in the back of a 10 passenger van that was modified for half that many fatties. Kewl told his brothers he was going to treat them to a strawberry blizzards, hamburgers, fries, and hot dogs at the new drive-thru DQ. As Kewl pulled up, he wheezed into the intercom his order: 14 hamburgers, 5 hot dogs, 10 large fries, and 6 strawberry blizzards. The DQ employee's voice crackled back,
"Sorry sir, we only have Oreo blizzards today. Would you still like 6 Oreo blizzards instead?"
All three brother's faces turned red as strawberries as rage welled within them. Kewl turned to his baby bro, Dawg, who looked at the eldest brother, Rob dot Singer, affectionately nicknamed "Dot." Kewl resumed wheezing into the intercom,
"I came here for strawberry blizzards. Not Oreo. 6 strawberry blizzards."
"Sorry sir, as I explained earlier we're out of strawberry flavored--"
"STRABERRY!!!!" Kewl shrieked like a toddler on a plane. He panted and huffed and puffed to regain his composure. After some silence, the intercom resumed crackling and a new voice, a deeper voice answered back.
"This is Jud Vagabondaggio, the manager. Get the fuck out of the drive thru or I'm gonna--"
"STRAWBERRY!!!!!" the three brothers screeched in unison. The honking of horns behind them intensified. Dot was the first to catch his breath again and suggest that they get out and physically go inside the DQ. The doors of the modified vans slid open and the three fatties waddled out. Along with honks they were met with jeers and boos by the occupants of all the cars stalled behind their van. All 17 of their chins jiggled with rage as they shuffled into the DQ. Dot slammed his ham hock fist on the cash register and commenced hitting everything in sight. His sweat soaked gray shirt and shorts sent small droplets of fatty sweat flying as he did so. Ew. Dawg did what he did best: Stood in place and shat his pants, then shook himself vigorously so that the poop would travel down his pant leg and on to the floor. Kewl used the distraction to get behind the counter into the food prep area. All the DQ employees ran out the back door except for the manager, who was ready with a sawed off shotgun. Kewl stared down the barrel as Jud aimed it right between his eyes.
"Strawberry--" was all he managed to say before all went dark and calm.
Unbeknownst to the three morbidly obese brothers, one of the cars piled up behind the disability van was Tasha's and Karice's.
Earlier, when they had disembarked their plane they had run as fast as they could to get away from Kentry. They had secretly plotted to get married to each other in Vegas and ditch Kentry, so they had no idea that Kentry had been squeezed out of existence by Dot and Dawg on the plane. Now they were in the DQ drive thru line to celebrate their nuptials when they espied the three fatties wreaking havoc within the DQ. Tasha had an idea.
"Karice, let's film this and sell the footage to the news station so we can afford a nicer honeymoon!"
The lesbian pair queefed in agreement and sneaked into the DQ to record epic footage of three fatties destroying the place out of frustration because they were out of strawberry flavored blizzards.
Tasha got a good angle on Dot and Dawg shitting on and punching everything in sight, meanwhile Karice tailed Kewl to capture the climactic moment when the manager spattered the wall with his brains. As Karice let out a gasp the manager noticed her filming. He barked.
"Hey! I'm the star of this video. You better cut me in when you sell it."
Karice nodded in agreement and followed the Mr. Vagabondaggio to the front of the restaurant where he finished the job and made strawberry blizzard go out of Dot and Dawg. Tasha and Karice clapped enthusiastically. The three amigos reviewed the footage and decided it was too good to sell to the local news station for a few peanuts. They hired Abby Garn and her producer boyfriend to edit it and submitted it to the Las Vegas Film Festival.
After it was shown to a crowd of snuff film connoisseurs, it received a standing ovation. Tasha and Karice received lucrative deals for wider distribution and they soon settled into life as rich and successful film makers. The DQ manager got more offers for acting roles and he too found success and happiness.
They all lived happily ever after. THE END.
I’m new to the forum. This sequel sounds intriguing! Can't wait to read more about Axl and Cake Cream's adventures.
I am at the James L Knight Center, real world home of my Fictional Axl and Cake Cream Shows! :D
Exterior of James L Knight International Center . :).
https://photos.app.goo.gl/ohYhZqEwRgKW33Qe7
Backstage in the Ashe Auditorium where Cake Cream and Axl do Cake Cream Shows. :) (Front part is locked but the backstage door is open)
https://photos.app.goo.gl/nhjiKw1oUu8hqVKM7
Where Cake Cream and Axl Fans buy their tickets. :)
https://photos.app.goo.gl/ugafvFhJvjTwYF6g7
A warning that James L Knight Center is going cashless VERY SOON! :eek:
https://photos.app.goo.gl/1zMW59wYo24mbyeS7
An upcoming James L Knight Center Show of a VERY popular Band. Had Cake Cream existed in the real world, this would have been a Promotional Poster for one of their Shows. This Show is going to happen in SEPTEMBER, but a Cake Cream Show would say something like,"Cake Cream Show happening tomorrow, August 1st. ;)
https://photos.app.goo.gl/uw4y3aLGXZgdn57t6
A picture of the ball room where Cake Cream and Axl might have lunch or dinner after a Cake Cream Show. :)
https://photos.app.goo.gl/hYrxyEK9aYPD4rop6
A picture of the secluded place where Axl and Billy kissed after a Cake Cream Show and were unknowingly being filmed by a Fan who then uploaded their kiss to Social Media where it went viral REALLY quickly! :eek
https://photos.app.goo.gl/1zMW59wYo24mbyeS7
;)
Thank you for your enthusiasm, :) IF you're a REAL Person and not a Bot.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jamz
Did you get a job as a night janitor at the James L. Knight Center to help fund your bingo hobby?Quote:
Originally Posted by Tasha
Jamz paced nervously around his small, cramped studio apartment. He had to get the next post just right or he would never be accepted by the cool cat APs who hang around VCT. His opening move had been to resurrect a 7-year-old thread about McDonalds. It went over like a wet fart. He browsed thread after thread looking for the perfect place to drop his next turd, when he stumbled upon the word "cake." Cake was his favorite food. He quickly skimmed the first page and had no clue what it was about, but no matter. Mentioning the title should work well enough. He took a deep breath, wiggled his thumbs and wiped the dirty cracked screen of his 2019 iPhone. Here goes...Quote:
Originally Posted by Jamz
"I’m new to the forum. This sequel sounds intriguing! Can't wait to read more about Axl and Cake Cream's adventures."
He clicked the post button and waited. While waiting for a reply, he skimmed the last page of the thread. Holy shit, he mused, this is already on page 66? He skimmed something about fat people rampaging in a DQ, some grainy photos of a run down concert venue. He read the previous page. More inside jokes about DQ and farting. Oh fuck, he mused further, this is a containment thread for trolls and low-quality posters. Jamz hung his head in shame realizing that his VCT posting career was over before it had even started.
I very rarely look at a line other than the first and/or last of a post, but, the one below caught my eye.
---> Donald Trump's threat for the destruction of Iranian cultural sites.Quote:
Originally Posted by pinchingyourballs
https://anagram-solver.net/%20Oh%20f....?partial=true
Quote:
On January 4, 2020, U.S. President Donald Trump made several tweets stating that if Iran retaliated against the assassination of Qasem Soleimani, "the United States will hit 52 Iranian sites, some at a very high level and important to Iran and the Iranian culture, very fast and very hard." The threat was widely described as a "pretty clear promise of a war crime" and was condemned by the international community as well as other American politicians. However, on January 5, Trump renewed the threat, and said "They're allowed to kill our people... and we're not allowed to touch their cultural sites? It doesn't work that way."
Hard to make much of a single "hit", but, coupled with my only previous post, tonight, about another prediction that Harris will win, at https://vegascasinotalk.com/forum/sh...l=1#post181575 , I now wonder that "destruction of Iranian" becomes "I ran in a destruction of [the Republican Party]".
MHF MHF is online now
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Yes, I made the Harris post before the PYB's post.
What does MHF stand for?
No, I was already in Downtown and went to Brickell (Just a few minutes away from Downtown :) where the James L Knight Center is and took some pictures to give a bit of a real world glimpse into my Fictional Axl and Cake Cream Concert Venue. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by pinchingyourballsDid you get a job as a night janitor at the James L. Knight Center to help fund your bingo hobby?Quote:
Originally Posted by Tasha
A picture of the secluded place where Axl and Billy kissed after a Cake Cream Show and were unknowingly being filmed by a Fan who then uploaded their kiss to Social Media where it went viral REALLY quickly! :eek:
https://photos.app.goo.gl/jGXGZAptPRVTg18a9
The first time the WRONG picture showed up. The first time the warning that the James L Knight Center is going cashless very soon showed up when it was supposed to link to the secluded place.
Alas, well-spoken, well-behaved, well-designed A. I. Jamz will never never make it, he'll never get to hang around, flame and party with the VCT elite, aka the Cool Kids.Quote:
Originally Posted by pinchingyourballsJamz paced nervously around his small, cramped studio apartment. He had to get the next post just right or he would never be accepted by the cool cat APs who hang around VCT..Quote:
Originally Posted by Jamz
The Cool Kids made a poll and decided to "Kick out the Jamz:" here they are doing that very thing fueled by alcohol, MDMA and Cannabis, employing a well-choreographed series of dance moves laid down by Jesus at the Last Supper in order to evict the patently uncool interloper..
Now get your punk ass off the dance floor and into the cop car: enjoy your unwanted exile to WoV, Jamz.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IT5Zz9Uv7jk
https://vegascasinotalk.com/forum/sh...l=1#post181645Quote:
Originally Posted by pinchingyourballs
Your explanation anagrams to "I was sick of Garnabby being corrupted into Abby Garn, and my hamster farts, so MHF will do nicely."Quote:
Originally Posted by MHFhttps://vegascasinotalk.com/forum/sh...l=1#post181645Quote:
Originally Posted by pinchingyourballs
Marie-Hélène Fontainebleu, known to the local criminal underworld as MHF, was a mad scientist by day and a ruthless crime boss by night. It was night.
"Please, I'm begging you, I swear I don't know anything about it!" the man shrieked as he was tied up in a chair in the 5th level basement of her lab.
MHF actually believed he was telling the truth. Bringing him here to spill the beans had been a mistake, but unfortunately the man now knew too much. She snapped her well manicured fingers and a burly man emerged from the shadows and injected the shrieking man with a syringe of glowing green serum. Slowly the shrieking man transformed into one the ninja turtles. When the transformation was complete, the man had no memory of being tickle tortured for info. He was chill, smiling and admiring his new buff turtle body and karate skills. He also had a sudden craving for pizza. MHF untied him from his chair, handed him a slice of pepperoni, and sent him on his way.
Her attention was now turned to Jiminy Vayacondios, one of her henchmen, who had brought this happless man before her insisting he had info.
"Mr. V., why did you waste our time with that man? He didn't know shit. You made me waste valuable serum to make him a ninja turtle."
"You didn't have to waste serum. I could have just shot him for you, geez."
Marie-Hélène's icy gaze made Mr. V. uncomfortable. This bitch is crazier than my last boss, Tasha, he mused. He had been relieved when MHF turned Tasha into an axolotl and offered him a new job working for MHF industries. The pay was better too, since MHF didn't have a bingo addiction. But now he was starting to wonder if he should have struck out on his own and become a freelance hitman like his cousin Kentry.
The sound of MHF snapping her fingers snapped Mr. V out of his reverie and his heart pounded as he watched three hulking men emerge from the shadows, each holding a syringe of brightly colored liquid.
Tasha-Kentry had a dream.
It wasn't a nightmare: it was a REALLY good dream.
In her dream she just "knew" what the winning numbers were in the upcoming Megabucks drawing, and she won!
Arising out of bed she recalled the series of numbers which "won" in her dream, so fortified with the power of precognition she wrote the numbers down on a Church's chicken wrapper and prepared for her day.
It was raining cats and dogs as she got off the bus near Walgreens: not deterred by the elements and buoyed by her dream she veered into a 7-11 and bought a ticket with her "dream numbers" and awaited the drawing later that night.
Time crawled slowly; she tuned out her supervisor, ignored customers, and fixated solely on how she was going to spend her winnings: she just KNEW she was going to win.
Finally her work day ended; Karen was beside herself with hope, certainty and an all-consuming sense of greed, and then the drawing...
HOLY SHIT!
"Marie-Hélène Fontainebleu" anagrams to
Eerie Fable: Nonhuman Elite
SHE WON MEGABUCKS!!!
"Mammie, mammie, I won, I won!"
"What did you win, chile?"
"I won our ticket out of here."
Time passed.
Tasha-Kentry quit her job at Walgreens and started a career as an "influencer" on gambling forums; she developed an attraction toward a mysterious poster whose handle was MHF.
"Mammie, I'm ubering to Ontario, I needs to find this person...that is my destiny."
"Chile, do as you wish but PLEASE clean that pile of shit up off the kitchen floor, it's drawing rats as well as flies."
Tasha-Kentry got to Canada but looking in a phone book she couldn't espy anyone named MHF; crestfallen she returned home, battered but not beaten, shaken but not stirred.
"The time will come" she mused, "when MHF will be mine."
Tasha-Kentry put the finishing touches on her WoV blog, sent it, then munched on a leg of crispy Church's chicken.
Today's topic was a good one: "How to Pick Winning Slot Machines."
It warmed her to know that she'd developed a strong, adoring audience for her blog: who knew there were so many gamblers out there looking to win?
And the bitcoin payments from Serbia kept rolling in, regular as clockwork.
Life was good...but also empty.
"Mammie, I needs to find me that MHF mutha fucka or else I'll never be happy."
"Well now chile I hope you finally finds you a man dat can abide you; Lord knows I'm tired of cleaning up your messes off da flo. Why is it you ain't never settled down wit somebody nice?"
"Hell, I'd settle for somebody NOT really nice" mused Tasha-Kentry; but as she squatted and "decorated" the kitchen floor with the remains of her meal she once again realized why it was that men were put off by her shall we say her "eccentricities..."
"Mammie, this MHF dude seems different. He be really smart, at least he tries to seem that way; he has a Theory About Everything and instead of a car he uses a dog sled. Lordy but I wants to meet him so bad...I worry though that I might not like the taste of whale blubber. Better bring me a box of Church's as a back up."
Determined to succeed this time, she'd used a large portion of her Megabucks jackpot to hire the foremost sleuths in the world, V, V and V, and the three bloodhounds had finally located MHF's address...an igloo in the Great White North.
"I'm heading to Canada Mammie, wish me luck."
Mammie silently mused "I wish you'd find yo-self a man...any man..and quit shittin' on da flo.."
And so it began.
The bus ride north seemed interminable, but Tasha / Kentry amused herself over the days munching on chicken and reading back issues of "Jet."
Finally, the last stop: a depot deep in the taiga amidst the boreal forest.
Her hideously expensive private eyes had determined that Garnabby, always reclusive, had become paranoid and moved as far north as he could: he now lived in an igloo outside of Polar Bear Town, i.e. Churchill.
Desperate to surprise him yet nearly broke, Tasha / Kentry asked the ticket agent how she could get to her final destination.
"Well nobody hardly ever goes there from here, but maybe you're in luck: word just came in that a busload of roustabouts / oil service workers are heading north and they need a woman on board to service them as they travel. No pay, but free transport. You up for it?"
A virgin by circumstance and autistic by birth, she assumed that servicing them meant telling them gambling stories she'd heard others talk about: it all sounded safe enough.
"Sure, I'll do it."
Several days later the bus arrived, and within it were a bunch of happy roustabouts and a very sore Tasha / Kentry.
"To think that I waited all my life for THAT? They never even said they loved me."
Her tears evaporated as she got off the bus; scanning the white void around her Tasha espied two polar bears coupling.
"Some things never change: these Canucks are horny."
Grabbing her hideous handbag she found her way to the only bar in town and learned that a very "odd" fellow had arrived not too long ago, raving about his Theory of Everything yet only pissing off all the locals due to his refusal to tip and his fancy way of spouting gemetria-based bullshit.
Fortified with directions to his abode Tasha / Kentry strapped on snow shoes and started to trudge toward her Final Goal.
"Oh, won't he be surprised?"
That was an understatement...
Antipode of Portland, United StatesQuote:
Originally Posted by MisterV
The opposite side of the world to Portland is Port-aux-Français, Kerguelen, French Southern Territories.
https://www.geodatos.net/en/antipode...tates/portland
Errata: I mistakenly said Tasha / Kentry took the final stage of her trip by bus; nope...it was by train.
Aptly enough, it was while on board the choo-choo that she learned the TRUE meaning of "pulling a train."
Bundled in a parka she scavenged off of a frozen hobo, Tasha hiked the rest of the way to Polar Bear Town. To her amazement, the town was like a retirement village-style planned community, but with igloos instead of condos. The streets were neatly paved with uniformly sized ice bricks. Each lot had an igloo an a smartly landscaped little front yard with either rocks or snow, little ice sculptures, and picket fences made of yet more ice. Tasha walked along the main avenue looking for Snowshoe Street. She finally found it, and then found Garnabby's igloo at 555 Snowshoe Street. Unlike his neighbors' igloos which were gleaming domes, Garnabby's igloo was a sinister pyramid shape. Of course, his would have to be the weird igloo on the block.
Tasha approached the door and knocked with the door knocker. The door knocker was a large round ice ring that made a satisfyingly loud thud every time it hit the door. Damn, I love big knockers, Tasha mused.
An irritated voice called out from the ice pyramid. "Who's there? I'm busy and I don't want what you're selling. Go bother the neighbors!"
Tasha cleared her throat, her heart pounded. "Hello, My name is Tasha. I'm looking for Garnabby, aka Thomas Clines, aka MHF, aka, fuck I can't remember them all. Anyway, I have the missing ingredient to your theory of everything."
From within the frozen pyramid came the sound of locks being unlocked and chains being detached, yet the door, crafted of Walrus tusk, bubble gum and baling wire, remained closed.
"There are no missing ingredients; my theory is complete. Now go away or I will harpoon you."
Always one to take "No" for an answer, Tasha / Kentry turned away but then she remembered the REAL reason why she'd come.
"I love you" she whispered.
The door opened, and there he stood, festooned in a Hugh Hefner-like smoking jacket, puffing a pipe: magnificent.
"What did you say?"
"I said I LOVE YOU!" She farted loudly for emphasis as rapturous tears flooded down her moon-pie shaped face, thoroughly soaking her.
"Interesting. Now, beat it" and with that he slammed the door and set the locks.
Alas, Tasha-Kentry had never been taught the one cardinal rule about living in the arctic: "Never cry."
As she walked away her copious tears froze, cocooning her in ice: soon she could no longer walk and "froze" in place.
Two polar bears had been espying her and quickly made their move, making short work of the inert Meal from Miami.
"Chewy center" said one; "Tastes like chicken" said the other; they both farted tunefully while polishing off the remainder.
You guys have officially ruined my Fictional Axl Rose sequel story. :( I'm going to go back to the other Website that I wrote my Fictional Axl Rose sequel on. Posters don't reply there, but at least they don't make a complete mockery of it.
Posters on WOV would get nuked if they replied to your Axl thread. You are the Wiz's pet. Bitchbumbabs is probably dying to add a chapter where every one of your characters plus "Tasha" gets eaten by piranhas.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tasha
Karen, you can of course stop posting here but you must admit you are getting the ONE THING you really want....ATTENTION.
Perhaps you should heed the old adage that experienced attorneys have been wont to say: "There's no such thing as bad publicity."
However I for one plan to continue to pen little vignettes to this thread now and then amplifying on that which has already been posted.
In closing: you may be a lousy writer but you seem to be a good sport.
Young Tasha / Kentry was getting pissed, and she told the playgound monitor about it.
"Those boys, they keep teasing me, pulling my hair and making fun of me and I don't like it."
More concerned about being detected as a sex offender with a warrant out for his arrest than the petty gripes of an autistic school girl the monitor simply said "Tough shit, girlie: get used to it, it's a wicked world."
Tasha / Kentry was thunderstruck at the aide's seeming indifference.
"What, you won't send them to the principal's office? Look what they did. Joey grabbed me and threw me down while Sammy ripped off my clothes and Timmy raped me."
"Yeah, I saw the whole thing. Good stuff. So what? You're in MY world now, sweetie."
The boys she'd just ratted out overheard her narcing and when she walked away they tackled and beat the living shit out of her.
"Keep your damn mouth shut if you know what's good for you" said one.
"Yeah, and next time we rape you you better act like you really enjoy it."
Tasha / Kentry sighed and accepted her fate.
---> Possibilities: Essays on Hierarchy, Rebellion, and Desire.Quote:
Originally Posted by pinchingyourballs
https://anagram-solver.net/Unlike%20...e?partial=true
Quote:
In this collection, David Graeber revisits questions raised in his popular book, Fragments of an Anarchist Anthropology. Employing an unpretentious style to convey complex ideas, these twelve essays cover a lot of ground: the origins of capitalism, the history of European table manners, love potions and gender in rural Madagascar, the phenomenology of giant puppets at street protests, and much more. But they're linked by a clear purpose: to explore the nature of social power and the forms that resistance to it have taken—or might take in the future.
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25 ----------> 25 = 5 * 5 * 5^0 ---> 555
---> National Shrine of Our Lady of the Visitation of Guibang.Quote:
Originally Posted by pinchingyourballs
https://anagram-solver.net/She%20fin....?partial=true
Quote:
The National Shrine of Our Lady of the Visitation of Guibang, commonly known as Our Lady of Guibang Shrine, is a Roman Catholic parish church and pilgrimage site situated at Brgy. Guibang, Gamu, Isabela, Philippines. It is under the jurisdiction of the Diocese of Ilagan.
---> If You're Going to Write a Comedy Scene, You're Going to Have Some Rat [MrV] Feces in There.Quote:
Originally Posted by pinchingyourballs
https://anagram-solver.net/Im%20Xook...g?partial=true
By removing the l's at 1 each, for 111 = (10*3 +7) *3 * 1 ---> 137_731. Ha, ha, ha, it's all about the numeral 137. Why didn't I think of that?
https://youtu.be/S-3Tk8ofIFY
Garnabby peered through the peep-hole in his door and espied the bulbous butt of his unwanted visitor waddle away through the snow then slow down and stop, frozen in place.
"How curious." he mused; "but my Theory of Everything accounts for this..it's found on page 5923476 in folio 3."
But he was startled by the appearance of two polar bears and their feeding frenzy: he had not allowed for this to happen in his TOE.
"Fuck me!" shrieked the Man from the North Country, "My work is all for naught! It is not all encompassing. Woe is me! "
He pulled out chunks of hair but then calmed down a bit and logged on to VCT, posting his usual gemetria-infused gibberish, searching for clues behind the veil...clues that only he would recognize.
But try as hie might nothing inspired him to believe his life's work was anything other than an exercise in hubris and vanity.
Despondent, he deleted all files comprising his TOE from his 'puter, then taking a walrus tusk he smashed its hard drive.
"Time to start over...The leg bone is connected to the thigh bone, the thigh bone..."
A little known fact about polar bears is that the closer they are to the North Pole, the stronger the effects of Santa Claus magic upon them. As these two polar bears were munching on the frozen remains of Tasha, one of them starting transforming into Tasha. The polar bear who was not transforming into Tasha looked up from his meal and was startled to discover that his companion was turning darker and her face was becoming less bear like. Frightened, he felt competing instincts to run away or fight. Luckily for him the instinct to run away was more powerful. Tasha-bear was curiously stronger than both polar bear and human, and could have easily ripped the other bear's head off if she was so inclined.
Tasha-bear stopped eating and stood up on her back legs watching her companion run off. Much more comfortable than being on all fours, she mused, but now more lonesome than ever. She looked around the frozen white landscape wondering what to do now that the other bear was gone. Her plan had been to mate with him and then rip his head off, but now that was out of the question. A vague notion of numbers came into her thoughts. Cardboard squares of numbers. Daubers. People calling out names of numbers...
Luckily for Tasha-bear, there was an Inuit bingo hall just over the eastern ridge.
Tasha-bear used her humanoid paw to open the door to the bingo hall and entered.
'Twas filled with gamblin' Eskimos munching on such treats as Blubber on a Stick and Seal Jerky.
All eyes turned to espy Tasha-bear: a tumult followed as the flight portion of fight or flight kicked in.
Tasha-bear had a field day swatting at and devouring several Bingo addicts; when the hall was empty and her belly full she squatted and laid a smelly, nasty load for the ages on the floor of the Bingo hall.
She noticed something unusual in her huge pile of scat: a hideous handbag.
She was oddly attracted to it, with its colorful image of an Axolotl: she took it with her as she exited the hall and veered, sated, toward the sea.
But something new was percolating in her ursine noggin.
Tasha-bear saw images of palm trees, Cubans and Church's chicken dancing in her mind: an amorphous yet compelling plan began to form.
Tasha-bear, hideous hand bag in hand, snuck aboard the next train out of Polar bear town, headed south.
Tasha-bear growled a happy growl: she espied a sleeping hobo in the boxcar she'd gotten into.
"Ah, a midnight snack" she thought.
As fate would have it there seemed to be an unending stream of hobos hopping on board as the train chugged merrily southbound; Tasha-bear had some complaints about the quality of the prey due to their shit-stained drawers and fentanyl-infused flesh, but what's a hungry Tasha-bear to do?
She kept her complaints to herself while feasting on the daily specials in her dining car.
Eventually she arrived in Miami after many changes of train, bouts of indigestion and dreams of Bingo.
"Now where is this Church's Chicken I've been obsessing over?"
And there it was...finally.
'Twas empty except for some fops yakking about a concert later that night at the James L. Knight Center.
By this time Tasha-bear, via the magic of the North Pole, had transformed into a half-bear, half-human: she looked eerily like a cross between Queen Latifah and Oprah.
She growled menacingly, causing Axl to espy her.
"Good heavens, listen to that voice! Boys, I think we found our new lead singer."
Tasha-bear was at a cross-roads: should she devour them or become a rock 'n roll diva?
Decisions, decisions.
I wasn't talking about WOV when I mentioned the Website that ignores my Fictional Axl Rose sequel story but doesn't make a complete mockery of it. I was talking about MYGNR Forum. MYGNR Forum ignores my Fictional Axl Rose sequel story. I HAD a loyal responder for my Fictional Axl Rose sequel story, Wendi, but Wendi left MYGNR Forum in solidarity with a bullied Poster. The bullied Poster came back under a new name, but Wendi inexplicably NEVER came back. The bullied Poster said he had no idea Wendi was going to leave with him in solidarity. Realistically, she should have came back when he came back with a new name.Quote:
Originally Posted by pinchingyourballsPosters on WOV would get nuked if they replied to your Axl thread. You are the Wiz's pet. Bitchbumbabs is probably dying to add a chapter where every one of your characters plus "Tasha" gets eaten by piranhas.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tasha
About Beachbumbabs, I have Beachbumbabs on Ignore. Better she and I not speak to each other.
While Tasha-bear struggled with her existential dilemna a tearful Mammie waddled through the front door.
"Has you seen my Tasha girl? You knows her, she look a lot like 'dat Huxtable gal on de Cosby show. Oh yeah, she shit da flo' all the time."
The fry cook, Leroy, took this as his cue.
"I sho 'nuf did see her, fact be she be in my crib right now."
Embracing the con, he amplified it with "She be very sick ya know and need money for medicine. But she be sayin' she's 'fraid to sees her mammie."
He quickly convinced Mammie to give him all the money in her hideous purse plus her EBT card.
This subterfuge enraged Tasha-bear.
She leapt over the counter and swatted the fry cook head first into the deep fryer.
Mammie noticed that the half-bear, half-human was autistic and had unusually watery eyes; "Baby, is that really you?"
Tasha-bear leapt back over the counter and while attempting to hug her mother she accidentally eviscerated her with her paw.
Oops.
So many references about Garnabby, and his theory of everything, that I copied and pasted the whole thing into the https://www.writingtoiq.com/ estimator. The highest that I've seen, so far, except perhaps for an Abraham Lincoln speech.Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterV
Estimated IQ: 134 (genius)
Well, the very first line of the quote above yielded, The Red Web: The Struggle Between Russia's Digital Dictators and the New Online Revolutionaries, which got me to thinking about the North Pole being in Russia. No need to check out any more now, given a 100% strike-rate with the anagrams with gematria.
https://anagram-solver.net/Garnabbyp...e?partial=true
Quote:
The North Pole is not part of any nation, although Russia placed a titanium flag on the seabed in 2007. The North Pole is the northernmost point on Earth. It is the precise point of the intersection of Earth's axis and Earth's surface. From the North Pole, all directions are south.
https://youtu.be/35AqihnMsXcQuote:
In a statement by the Institute of Petroleum Geology and Geophysics, Siberian Branch of the Russian Academy of Sciences (INGG SB RAS), the north magnetic pole of the Earth is shifting towards the Arctic coast of Russia. Year-round observations will soon be conducted at the Samoylov Island Research Station in the delta of the Lena River in Sakha Republic, Russia, on this phenomenon in a specially installed magnetic observatory.
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27 ------> 27 = 3*3*3 ---> 333
Ya know, that numeral 5923476 is a lot like 3628800, from my previous post.
5923476 = about 42 * 2661.0404312668466 * 1961 / 37 ---> (2 + 40) * [0^0 + (110*6 + 02000)] * (196*10 + 1) / 37 ---> 241_1602__1961_137, with 137, 142, and, 1961, 2061.Quote:
Originally Posted by MHF
https://youtu.be/skVyUI9MvK0
Anyway, the post above is a great spot to let also the numerals go. 3628800 is about (1630.188679245283 * 1961 * 42 / 37), versus, 5923476 is about (2661.0404312668466 * 1961 * 42 / 37), which, well, is about as good as it can get.
Do you think that old Karen will, ever, get over her time-traveling nonsense? Hard to imagine that she will post it up where no one will, ever, read it. Or, that you, and the other guy, either, will keep it up, for longer, without her, a nobody yet, to mock.
At first I was flattered; I mean, I've ALWAYS considered myself the bees' knees.Quote:
Originally Posted by MHF
But then I pasted Lincoln's Gettysburg Address into the IQ estimator and it said his IQ was 100.
I'm good, but not THAT good...
The first bit that I googled, tonight, from the "First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1861, Washington, D.C."
Estimated IQ: 135 (genius)Quote:
Fellow-citizens of the United States:
In compliance with a custom as old as the government itself, I appear before you to address you briefly, and to take, in your presence, the oath prescribed by the Constitution of the United States, to be taken by the President "before he enters on the execution of this office."
I do not consider it necessary at present for me to discuss those matters of administration about which there is no special anxiety or excitement.
Apprehension seems to exist among the people of the Southern States, that by the accession of a Republican Administration, their property, and their peace, and personal security, are to be endangered. There has never been any reasonable cause for such apprehension. Indeed, the most ample evidence to the contrary has all the while existed, and been open to their inspection. It is found in nearly all the published speeches of him who now addresses you. I do but quote from one of those speeches when I declare that "I have no purpose, directly or indirectly, to interfere with the institution of slavery in the States where it exists. I believe I have no lawful right to do so, and I have no inclination to do so." Those who nominated and elected me did so with full knowledge that I had made this, and many similar declarations, and had never recanted them. And more than this, they placed in the platform, for my acceptance, and as a law to themselves, and to me, the clear and emphatic resolution which I now read:
Resolved, That the maintenance inviolate of the rights of the States, and especially the right of each State to order and control its own domestic institutions according to its own judgment exclusively, is essential to that balance of power on which the perfection and endurance of our political fabric depend; and we denounce the lawless invasion by armed force of the soil of any State or Territory, no matter what pretext, as among the gravest of crimes."
I now reiterate these sentiments; and in doing so, I only press upon the public attention the most conclusive evidence of which the case is susceptible, that the property, peace and security of no section are to be in any wise endangered by the now incoming Administration. I add too, that all the protection which, consistently with the Constitution and the laws, can be given, will be cheerfully given to all the States when lawfully demanded, for whatever cause -- as cheerfully to one section as to another.
More likely that the estimator errors on the side of non-genius writing (but, the opposite, when a matter of Garnabby).
Axl woke up the lads from their sound sleep in the luxurious penthouse suite for a BIG announcement.
"Boys, we finally made it: the Big Time. We've eclipsed Taylor Swift as the most popular and wealthiest musicians touring today, and we have just secured a residency at the Sphere."
"Hey Axl, I still have this light bulb stuck up my butt, and..."
"Shut up Billie: TMI."
"Hey Axl, my johnson is red, sore and dripping a smelly goo; what does it mean?"
"It means you're pregnant. Now, as I was saying...."
"Hey Axl, why do you keep us prisoners in this luxurious penthouse suite?"
"You're not prisoners, silly: Those bars and locks are to keep the fans out. Now..."
"Hey Axl, what about the idea of time travel irrevocably involving an existential paradox?"
"Only if you're Jamaican. OK, moving on..."
"Hey Axl, I just stuck my finger up my nose: can I eat it or should I save it?"
"Add sugar to it and use it as an ice cream topping."
They all thanked him, shook his hand, and returned to bed.
What's interesting now is that I can stop with the anagrams with gematria, but, you can't stop with the quite strange stories.
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You cannot stop with the anagrams and numerology, therefore it is not interesting now.Quote:
Originally Posted by MHF
Hehehe. The game is afoot!Quote:
Originally Posted by pinchingyourballsYou cannot stop with the anagrams and numerology, therefore it is not interesting now.Quote:
Originally Posted by MHF
Axl doesn't keep Cake Cream Prisoners in the Luxurious Penthouse Suite, but I do wonder if Cake Cream and Axl are codependent on each other. For example, Billy will say something like,"I'm going to the Mall!" Axl, Mike, James, Jimmy and Andy will all say something like,"We're going to the Mall with you!" Allison touched on this in her rant against Cake Cream and Axl, but she was seen as a raving lunatic.Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterVAxl woke up the lads from their sound sleep in the luxurious penthouse suite for a BIG announcement.
"Boys, we finally made it: the Big Time. We've eclipsed Taylor Swift as the most popular and wealthiest musicians touring today, and we have just secured a residency at the Sphere."
"Hey Axl, I still have this light bulb stuck up my butt, and..."
"Shut up Billie: TMI."
"Hey Axl, my johnson is red, sore and dripping a smelly goo; what does it mean?"
"It means you're pregnant. Now, as I was saying...."
"Hey Axl, why do you keep us prisoners in this luxurious penthouse suite?"
"You're not prisoners, silly: Those bars and locks are to keep the fans out. Now..."
"Hey Axl, what about the idea of time travel irrevocably involving an existential paradox?"
"Only if you're Jamaican. OK, moving on..."
"Hey Axl, I just stuck my finger up my nose: can I eat it or should I save it?"
"Add sugar to it and use it as an ice cream topping."
They all thanked him, shook his hand, and returned to bed.
Also Axl wouldn't be so dismissive of Billy when Billy is describing a SERIOUS medical issue, a red, sore, penis that is dripping smelly goo seems like Gonorrhea to me. Axl would tell Billy to go get himself checked out in the ER or something like that.
You are right however that Cake Cream is wealthier than Taylor Swift. Cake Cream is worth more than 5 BILLION each. Taylor Swift is worth 1.3 Billion. And, remember that my Fictional Axl Rose stories are set in 2022. In 2022, Taylor was worth about 400 million.
Tasha, I tried to tell you, a long time ago, that they don't care about any of the details, but, only that you seem to think that they, the details, and them, the posters, matter. Stop being so darn foolish.
I wonder if you are codependent with Fictional Axl Rose.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tasha
Billy got tired of the painful drip from his penis and ubered to the medical clinic of Dr. V.
High on self-prescribed Oxy the sawbones examined Billy; he did some tests and soon confirmed Axl's diagnosis: Billy was indeed pregnant.
"But Dr. V, how can that be possible? I'm a man."
"No Billy, or should I say Billie...you are not a man, you are half man and half woman. But let's take it a step at a time. Have you been having sexual intercourse recently?"
"Sure, I take it up the ass all the time."
"Ah, that isn't an ass, it's a vagina. It may smell like ass but that's a sanitation issue. Look, see this ultrasound I took? It's a boy."
Billie espied the image and noticed the wee little tollywacker on his gestating son: his nipples involuntarily lactated at the thought of maternity.
"But Dr. V...how can this be?"
"Ours is not to reason why, ours is just to get real high."
With that they stopped talking medicine and got wasted on a few bong hits of leaf, kief and wax.
Smiling yet a tad confused, Billie thanked Dr. V and was profusely welcomed; they shook hands and spun three times like Whirling Dervishes.
Billie ubered back to the luxurious penthouse suite and handed Axl a cigar, yelling "Surprise!!!"
What a silly post you just made. :confused;Quote:
Originally Posted by pinchingyourballsI wonder if you are codependent with Fictional Axl Rose.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tasha
Mr. V, Billy is a MAN, he can't get pregnant. Your story is VERY ridiculous, even more ridiculous than Axl time traveling from 1987 to 2022 and not only coexisting with his Older Self, but actually interacting with him!Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterV
Hmm. Mr. V's Fictional Billy could have Balanitis, which is not sexually transmitted but does cause a red, sore penis and foul smelling discharge.
Karen's pulling a KJ.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tasha
"You guys piss me off, I'm out of here..." only to return shortly later.
Look, you gave birth to this monster, and as it grew it was attacked and infected by "viruses," to wit me and Ilovebigknockers, / pinchingourballs.
Yes, we've mocked you and your story because it is FUN: no different than adding to any other thread on this forum.
You have no right or ability to control what happens to a thread: just as I cannot control the rising and setting of the sun.
So Karen IF you are gonna stay away then STAY THE FUCK AWAY...this baby is OURS now.
Otherwise, keep posting chapters and we'll run with it...an "Unholy Alliance" of sorts.
But parenthetical comments from you and Garnabby which do nothing to advance the narrative are as helpful as shit on a plow handle.
I hope you keep posting: writing that is as (ahem) "interesting" as yours is tough to come by, and it has allowed us all to prance down the Yellow Brick Road of dark humor.
Axl and the boys were beside themselves with joy at the prospect of Billie being a mommy and Axl being a daddy; they celebrated with a huge custom-made tureen of DQ strawberry blizzards, then they all slept together like a colony of nested mice.
They'd hoped to keep it secret for awhile but Dr. V's medical assistant sold the ultrasound to TMZ and soon internet tongues were wagging.
Cake Cream experienced blow-back at their next gig in Miami when the crowd hurled mutilated, sometimes headless dolls at Billie, holding up placards saying "Abort the Abomination Now" and "I thought you were a man, not a woman."
Cake Cream walked off the stage rather than deal with the abuse: this caused a riot which led to the death of 357 erstwhile fans who were crushed while storming the stage holding pitchforks, firebrands and flensing knives.
Back in their luxurious penthouse suite the lads put their heads together ("OUCH, that hurt") and had a Frank discussion.
"Getting an abortion here is out due to Florida's six week abortion ban" opined Frank. "Is abortion something to consider anyway?"
Billie jumped in with "Yes,Frank Lee, I decided I don't want to be a mother. Pregnancy will wreck my girlish figure, and besides, I fucking HATE kids."
It was decided to fly immediately to the abortion-friendly state of Oregon and have the unwanted unborn human slain and disposed of there.
"As an added bonus" chirped Billie "I hear they make the best DQ strawberry blizzards in the world in Portland."
The lads brayed, tapped their feet and farted tunefully: onward to Oregon!
Unfortunately for the boys (and girl) they didn't know Oregon from Oklahoma. The mere 10 drive from one panhandle state to the other panhandle state didn't clue them in that they had not, in fact, left the cultural sphere of the south. While looking about for an abortionist in Tulsa, a kindly old lady asked if the needed directions. Upon hearing that the musical crew was looking for a D&C, the old crone laughed and said the last dentist who still did that the old fashioned way just up and left for California. But there was an Walmart that sold coat hangers.
Browsing the aisles of Wally World, Billy/ie felt contractions. She timed them. The were getting more frequent.
"Axl! I think the baby's coming!" Billy/ie yelled. Axl turned his head to see Billy/ie standing in a puddle of liquid. His/her water had broken, though from what orifice was anyone's guess.
Unfortunately before Axl could wrest one of the coat hangers from is frustration-enriched packaging, a man in the other aisle heard the cry and hollered back, "I am a doctor!" and came rushing to Billy/ie's aid. After explaining the bizarre anatomical situation to the doctor, Billy/ie's brain exploded with pain. The doctor reassured him/her and said Billy/ie could either give birth through the penis or butthole, it was Billy/ie's decision. Axl secretly hoped Billy/ie would choose penis, because he liked how tight Billy/ie's butthole was.
Decisions, decisions...
"I choose...the penis route" groaned Billie.
The doc took off his MAGA cap and asked "Who you voting for? That radical bitch or our Lord and Savior?"
Before "it" could answer, Billie passed out from the pain; the curious sawbones asked Axl the same question, because in Oklahoma that shit matters.
No fool, Axl responded "Trump, of course...duh..."
This placated the doc; he cleared some space on the toilet paper aisle for Billie, stripped "Its" dress off and shoved a phillips screwdriver up "its" urethra.
"Gotta make room for the kid; the prick on this...what is it, a girlie boy? Whatever, it ain't exactly jumbo."
As time wore on he shoved ever bigger implements into Billie's pee hole, ever-widening the makeshift birth canal, concluding with a Mag-Lite flashlight; then the baby popped out.
But it wasn't a normal baby: its head was attached to its butt and it had five flailing arms: but the strangest thing was how it carried on a conversation with the doc.
"My good man, please cut this cord and lead me to a dripping teat."
"Satan!" screamed the deranged doc; he grabbed a hammer and beat the newborn to a pulp.
"Clean up on aisle three" came over the PA.
Cake Cream left a bit later, chastised by Oklahoma hospitality, glad that the genius newborn was murdered; "It really was the right thing to do" said Axl as he slurped on a DQ strawberry blizzard, thankful for having avoided paying child support for the next eighteen or more years.
Of course it's not the same thing when the person has a mental illness. Then the joke is on the others.Quote:
Originally Posted by MHF
Once upon a time there was a poor woodcutter who had seven children, Kentry, Dean, Donathan, Nathan, Karice, Karen, and Tasha. The woodcutter was a widower, and by and by he convinced the only unmarried daughter of a tailor to marry him and live with him in the woods. The new step mother soon grew to hate her life of poverty in the woods, hate her husband even more, and hate her step children most of all. She longed for her old life back in the village and she envied her younger sisters who had married prosperous merchants.
"If only my husband did not have so many children to feed and clothe, then we would have more money!" she mused aloud, to no one in particular. She gazed out the window, looking in despair upon all the laundry hanging on the line that would take hours to fold. Then she espied an enormous crow, black as the infinite void, alighting on the wood pile. The crow opened its beak and a sinister, loud, echoing "CAW!" escaped from its gaping maw. It fixed its beady eyes upon her and lifted its wings as if to fly straight toward her. In fright, the not-yet-wicked step mother closed the shutters. After a few deep breaths she opened them again, poked her head around and looked for the crow. It had disappeared. Suddenly she had an idea.
The next morning, after her husband left, the step mother called to her seven charges. "I am sending all of you on a special errand to Gold Coin Pond, beyond the ridge beyond the far stream. I need each of you to bring back seven gold coins from bottom of the pond. Don't worry, the pond is very shallow."
"But papa says we are never to go past the stream!" protested Nathan.
"And definitely not past the ridge that's past the stream!" chimed in Kentry.
"I spoke with your father this morning and it was his idea to send you on this errand. I packed each of you a lunch of fried chicken and biscuits. Hurry along now!"
The children dutifully marched out the door to begin their quest. The youngest of the lot, Karen, turned back to look at her step mother. "What are you up to, Step Mama? I am wise to your wily ways. You might fool the others, but you don't fool me." And with that she ran out the door to join her siblings who were already quite aways down the path.
The wily woman's plan, of course, was that by the time the children got to the pond the sun would be setting. And seeing as there were no gold coins whatsoever to be had by the pond, the gullible children would search in vain for hours. And because tonight was the new moon, there would be no moonlight to guide them back home safely. They would either be eaten by wolves, stolen by robbers, or drowned in the deceptively deep waters looking for imaginary lucre.
Karen saw a bullfrog and with the speed of youth she quickly scooped him up.
"You're a prince, aren't you? I'll kiss you and be your princess."
She kissed the frog on its lips.
Alas, this triggered the frog to stick his long, sticky tongue out and it went far down Karen's throat, wrapping abound her uvula.
"Mmmppphhhh" said Karen: this sudden sound so startled the frog that his little heart burst, and immediate Rigor mortis set in causing his tongue to remain stuck deep inside Karen's mouth.
Tasha sauntered by and saw that a frog was stuck to her sister's lips.
"You're only supposed to eat the legs" she snickered before running off.
Nathan soon espied her younger sister and just had to school her.
"It's a frog,not a prince you silly little cunt."
Karen, increasingly perplexed and growing ever shorter of breath let loose her bowels causing a nest of nearby squirrels to run for their lives.
"I'm so screwed" she thought before blacking out.
It was then that the Dark Woodsman found her, and scooping her up he took her to his lair...
Kentry, Dean, Donathan, Nathan, Karice, and Tasha were taking a break to eat their lunch when Karice noticed Karen was missing. As she didn't want to speak with her mouth full, she continued chewing her biscuit, but just as she swallowed a filthy gloved hand clapped over her mouth and another hand scooped her up by the armpit and whisked her away as silent as a rabbit's ear twitch.
Nathan was the next to notice their dwindling numbers. Just as he was about to bark the names of the missing, another pair of filthly gloved hands whisked him away as well. One by one the siblings were snatched and loaded into rough burlap sacks. The sacks were redolent with the fragrance of soporific herbs, and each sibling passed out in the dark of their respective sacks, unawares that they were being taken the the lair of the Dark Woodsman.
Hours later they all managed to break out of their herb induced slumber and found themselves in a dark, damp cellar. A skeleton was chained to a wall on the far end. Dean counted. Six. Karen was missing. Suddenly they heard the door at the top of the cellar open and saw their sister at the top of the stairs munching on a drum stick.
"Took y'all long enough to wake up," Karen taunted her older siblings
"At least none of us pick up frogs and kiss them to see if they turn into rich single men." Tasha retorted.
"Well, you should be doing that. These woods are filled with enchanted frogs if you know where to look," replied a booming baritone behind Karen. The six siblings looked up in terror. It was the Dark Woodsman. He motioned for them to come up the stairs.
Terrified, but famished, the followed the scent of fried chicken and biscuits. Out of the cellar they found a table set with enough plates for everyone. The Dark Woodsman explained that he and his band of robbers had thought the children were spies sent by the dwarf kingdom, but after removing the frog from Karen's throat and listening to her tale, they realized the children were a bunch of backwoods hicks who lived in poverty. Not even educated or good looking enough to resell as slaves. So neglected by God that even a pack of murderous robbers and their leader felt sorry for them.
The Dark Woodsman began, "Your step mother sent you all on a fool's errand hoping you would die. It would be no trouble at all for me and my men to take you back to your dilapidated shack, but then your step mother would just come up with another way for you to 'accidentally' die. So I think maybe we can help each other. I will get rid of your step mother, but I need some children to use as bait to lure a certain witch out of her lair. You may have heard of Axl Rose, who lives in an enchanted treehouse called the James L. Knight Center."
Dean piped up, "But that's just a scary bedtime story. Axl Rose isn't a real witch who eats children."
"Oh no?" challenged the Dark Woodsman. "Then whose dong is this?" He took from his leather pouch a dried up thing that looked like a mushroom. "This is the severed penis of the witch Axl Rose. I intend to get the rest of her."
The children passed the severed member around, eyeing it quasi-professionally.
"It sort of looks like Daddy's" said Karice; "But it's so withered and not hard and smooth" noted Kentry.
The wheels in the Dark Woodsman's mind started to spin.
"Oh, are you children familiar with a man's penis?"
"Sure we are" they all said at once; "That's how we get our vitamins."
"OK then...here's what we do. Y'all go knock on Axl's door and say you're lost; he'll invite you in and eventually he'll want one or more or you to suck his penis. I don't have to tell you why he wants it or what will happen when you do, but just before it happens I want you to take his cock out of your mouth and shove this cork really deep into his pee hole. He'll explode into a thousand points of light. Since we don't know which of you ragamuffins he'll select I'll give each of you a cork. Do this service for me and I will deal with your wicked step-mother upon your return."
"But you said this is his penis" noted Dean, waving the wizard's pizzle.
"It was, but via magic he grew a new one. Now, off you go."
He ordered his Merry Men to take the children to the James L. Knight Center: soon the children of the damned found themselves trembling and knocking at the door of the witch's stronghold.
Lightning flashed; thunder boomed; wolves howled.
It was a dark and stormy night...
The witch opened the door with fast swing intended to make the terrified children even more likely to shit themselves. "Welcome to the jungle!" she boomed.
Donathan could no longer control his bowels and let loose an audible egg fart. Upon hearing and smelling it, the witch Axl Rose's face softened and she exclaimed, "Oh goody! Fart carolers. Please play one of my hits. Any one. Surprise me!"
The children looked at each other and then nodded in silent agreement. They began farting to the tune of Welcome to the Jungle, with Karice and Tasha working the melody and their brothers and Karen doing the harmony. It was good thing they had just eaten a gas producing meal at the Dark Woodsman's house. Axl sat down cross legged in front of the children to better hear and smell the farts. While they were on the second verse, Tasha realized she was close enough to the witch to put the magic cork right in her mouth. Not wanting to wait for the witch's dong to appear, Tasha waited until Axl closed her eyes in ecstasy and made her move.
Bam!
The light show was beautiful and the children wondered if their corks would work on other beings and creatures. Nathan espied a parrot in a cage on the mantel. "Let's stick a cork in the parrot," he said, but Kentry held him back. He had a better idea. He huddled with his siblings and explained that they had six corks with which to make their enemies explode in a thousand points of light. Now that they had done the Dark Woodsman's bidding, they were free to seek vengeance on six people who had most wronged them.
It was payback time.