What's interesting now is that I can stop with the anagrams with gematria, but, you can't stop with the quite strange stories.
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What's interesting now is that I can stop with the anagrams with gematria, but, you can't stop with the quite strange stories.
MHF MHF is online now
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You cannot stop with the anagrams and numerology, therefore it is not interesting now.Quote:
Originally Posted by MHF
Hehehe. The game is afoot!Quote:
Originally Posted by pinchingyourballsYou cannot stop with the anagrams and numerology, therefore it is not interesting now.Quote:
Originally Posted by MHF
Axl doesn't keep Cake Cream Prisoners in the Luxurious Penthouse Suite, but I do wonder if Cake Cream and Axl are codependent on each other. For example, Billy will say something like,"I'm going to the Mall!" Axl, Mike, James, Jimmy and Andy will all say something like,"We're going to the Mall with you!" Allison touched on this in her rant against Cake Cream and Axl, but she was seen as a raving lunatic.Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterVAxl woke up the lads from their sound sleep in the luxurious penthouse suite for a BIG announcement.
"Boys, we finally made it: the Big Time. We've eclipsed Taylor Swift as the most popular and wealthiest musicians touring today, and we have just secured a residency at the Sphere."
"Hey Axl, I still have this light bulb stuck up my butt, and..."
"Shut up Billie: TMI."
"Hey Axl, my johnson is red, sore and dripping a smelly goo; what does it mean?"
"It means you're pregnant. Now, as I was saying...."
"Hey Axl, why do you keep us prisoners in this luxurious penthouse suite?"
"You're not prisoners, silly: Those bars and locks are to keep the fans out. Now..."
"Hey Axl, what about the idea of time travel irrevocably involving an existential paradox?"
"Only if you're Jamaican. OK, moving on..."
"Hey Axl, I just stuck my finger up my nose: can I eat it or should I save it?"
"Add sugar to it and use it as an ice cream topping."
They all thanked him, shook his hand, and returned to bed.
Also Axl wouldn't be so dismissive of Billy when Billy is describing a SERIOUS medical issue, a red, sore, penis that is dripping smelly goo seems like Gonorrhea to me. Axl would tell Billy to go get himself checked out in the ER or something like that.
You are right however that Cake Cream is wealthier than Taylor Swift. Cake Cream is worth more than 5 BILLION each. Taylor Swift is worth 1.3 Billion. And, remember that my Fictional Axl Rose stories are set in 2022. In 2022, Taylor was worth about 400 million.
Tasha, I tried to tell you, a long time ago, that they don't care about any of the details, but, only that you seem to think that they, the details, and them, the posters, matter. Stop being so darn foolish.
I wonder if you are codependent with Fictional Axl Rose.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tasha
Billy got tired of the painful drip from his penis and ubered to the medical clinic of Dr. V.
High on self-prescribed Oxy the sawbones examined Billy; he did some tests and soon confirmed Axl's diagnosis: Billy was indeed pregnant.
"But Dr. V, how can that be possible? I'm a man."
"No Billy, or should I say Billie...you are not a man, you are half man and half woman. But let's take it a step at a time. Have you been having sexual intercourse recently?"
"Sure, I take it up the ass all the time."
"Ah, that isn't an ass, it's a vagina. It may smell like ass but that's a sanitation issue. Look, see this ultrasound I took? It's a boy."
Billie espied the image and noticed the wee little tollywacker on his gestating son: his nipples involuntarily lactated at the thought of maternity.
"But Dr. V...how can this be?"
"Ours is not to reason why, ours is just to get real high."
With that they stopped talking medicine and got wasted on a few bong hits of leaf, kief and wax.
Smiling yet a tad confused, Billie thanked Dr. V and was profusely welcomed; they shook hands and spun three times like Whirling Dervishes.
Billie ubered back to the luxurious penthouse suite and handed Axl a cigar, yelling "Surprise!!!"
What a silly post you just made. :confused;Quote:
Originally Posted by pinchingyourballsI wonder if you are codependent with Fictional Axl Rose.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tasha
Mr. V, Billy is a MAN, he can't get pregnant. Your story is VERY ridiculous, even more ridiculous than Axl time traveling from 1987 to 2022 and not only coexisting with his Older Self, but actually interacting with him!Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterV
Hmm. Mr. V's Fictional Billy could have Balanitis, which is not sexually transmitted but does cause a red, sore penis and foul smelling discharge.
Karen's pulling a KJ.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tasha
"You guys piss me off, I'm out of here..." only to return shortly later.
Look, you gave birth to this monster, and as it grew it was attacked and infected by "viruses," to wit me and Ilovebigknockers, / pinchingourballs.
Yes, we've mocked you and your story because it is FUN: no different than adding to any other thread on this forum.
You have no right or ability to control what happens to a thread: just as I cannot control the rising and setting of the sun.
So Karen IF you are gonna stay away then STAY THE FUCK AWAY...this baby is OURS now.
Otherwise, keep posting chapters and we'll run with it...an "Unholy Alliance" of sorts.
But parenthetical comments from you and Garnabby which do nothing to advance the narrative are as helpful as shit on a plow handle.
I hope you keep posting: writing that is as (ahem) "interesting" as yours is tough to come by, and it has allowed us all to prance down the Yellow Brick Road of dark humor.
Axl and the boys were beside themselves with joy at the prospect of Billie being a mommy and Axl being a daddy; they celebrated with a huge custom-made tureen of DQ strawberry blizzards, then they all slept together like a colony of nested mice.
They'd hoped to keep it secret for awhile but Dr. V's medical assistant sold the ultrasound to TMZ and soon internet tongues were wagging.
Cake Cream experienced blow-back at their next gig in Miami when the crowd hurled mutilated, sometimes headless dolls at Billie, holding up placards saying "Abort the Abomination Now" and "I thought you were a man, not a woman."
Cake Cream walked off the stage rather than deal with the abuse: this caused a riot which led to the death of 357 erstwhile fans who were crushed while storming the stage holding pitchforks, firebrands and flensing knives.
Back in their luxurious penthouse suite the lads put their heads together ("OUCH, that hurt") and had a Frank discussion.
"Getting an abortion here is out due to Florida's six week abortion ban" opined Frank. "Is abortion something to consider anyway?"
Billie jumped in with "Yes,Frank Lee, I decided I don't want to be a mother. Pregnancy will wreck my girlish figure, and besides, I fucking HATE kids."
It was decided to fly immediately to the abortion-friendly state of Oregon and have the unwanted unborn human slain and disposed of there.
"As an added bonus" chirped Billie "I hear they make the best DQ strawberry blizzards in the world in Portland."
The lads brayed, tapped their feet and farted tunefully: onward to Oregon!
Unfortunately for the boys (and girl) they didn't know Oregon from Oklahoma. The mere 10 drive from one panhandle state to the other panhandle state didn't clue them in that they had not, in fact, left the cultural sphere of the south. While looking about for an abortionist in Tulsa, a kindly old lady asked if the needed directions. Upon hearing that the musical crew was looking for a D&C, the old crone laughed and said the last dentist who still did that the old fashioned way just up and left for California. But there was an Walmart that sold coat hangers.
Browsing the aisles of Wally World, Billy/ie felt contractions. She timed them. The were getting more frequent.
"Axl! I think the baby's coming!" Billy/ie yelled. Axl turned his head to see Billy/ie standing in a puddle of liquid. His/her water had broken, though from what orifice was anyone's guess.
Unfortunately before Axl could wrest one of the coat hangers from is frustration-enriched packaging, a man in the other aisle heard the cry and hollered back, "I am a doctor!" and came rushing to Billy/ie's aid. After explaining the bizarre anatomical situation to the doctor, Billy/ie's brain exploded with pain. The doctor reassured him/her and said Billy/ie could either give birth through the penis or butthole, it was Billy/ie's decision. Axl secretly hoped Billy/ie would choose penis, because he liked how tight Billy/ie's butthole was.
Decisions, decisions...
"I choose...the penis route" groaned Billie.
The doc took off his MAGA cap and asked "Who you voting for? That radical bitch or our Lord and Savior?"
Before "it" could answer, Billie passed out from the pain; the curious sawbones asked Axl the same question, because in Oklahoma that shit matters.
No fool, Axl responded "Trump, of course...duh..."
This placated the doc; he cleared some space on the toilet paper aisle for Billie, stripped "Its" dress off and shoved a phillips screwdriver up "its" urethra.
"Gotta make room for the kid; the prick on this...what is it, a girlie boy? Whatever, it ain't exactly jumbo."
As time wore on he shoved ever bigger implements into Billie's pee hole, ever-widening the makeshift birth canal, concluding with a Mag-Lite flashlight; then the baby popped out.
But it wasn't a normal baby: its head was attached to its butt and it had five flailing arms: but the strangest thing was how it carried on a conversation with the doc.
"My good man, please cut this cord and lead me to a dripping teat."
"Satan!" screamed the deranged doc; he grabbed a hammer and beat the newborn to a pulp.
"Clean up on aisle three" came over the PA.
Cake Cream left a bit later, chastised by Oklahoma hospitality, glad that the genius newborn was murdered; "It really was the right thing to do" said Axl as he slurped on a DQ strawberry blizzard, thankful for having avoided paying child support for the next eighteen or more years.
Of course it's not the same thing when the person has a mental illness. Then the joke is on the others.Quote:
Originally Posted by MHF
Once upon a time there was a poor woodcutter who had seven children, Kentry, Dean, Donathan, Nathan, Karice, Karen, and Tasha. The woodcutter was a widower, and by and by he convinced the only unmarried daughter of a tailor to marry him and live with him in the woods. The new step mother soon grew to hate her life of poverty in the woods, hate her husband even more, and hate her step children most of all. She longed for her old life back in the village and she envied her younger sisters who had married prosperous merchants.
"If only my husband did not have so many children to feed and clothe, then we would have more money!" she mused aloud, to no one in particular. She gazed out the window, looking in despair upon all the laundry hanging on the line that would take hours to fold. Then she espied an enormous crow, black as the infinite void, alighting on the wood pile. The crow opened its beak and a sinister, loud, echoing "CAW!" escaped from its gaping maw. It fixed its beady eyes upon her and lifted its wings as if to fly straight toward her. In fright, the not-yet-wicked step mother closed the shutters. After a few deep breaths she opened them again, poked her head around and looked for the crow. It had disappeared. Suddenly she had an idea.
The next morning, after her husband left, the step mother called to her seven charges. "I am sending all of you on a special errand to Gold Coin Pond, beyond the ridge beyond the far stream. I need each of you to bring back seven gold coins from bottom of the pond. Don't worry, the pond is very shallow."
"But papa says we are never to go past the stream!" protested Nathan.
"And definitely not past the ridge that's past the stream!" chimed in Kentry.
"I spoke with your father this morning and it was his idea to send you on this errand. I packed each of you a lunch of fried chicken and biscuits. Hurry along now!"
The children dutifully marched out the door to begin their quest. The youngest of the lot, Karen, turned back to look at her step mother. "What are you up to, Step Mama? I am wise to your wily ways. You might fool the others, but you don't fool me." And with that she ran out the door to join her siblings who were already quite aways down the path.
The wily woman's plan, of course, was that by the time the children got to the pond the sun would be setting. And seeing as there were no gold coins whatsoever to be had by the pond, the gullible children would search in vain for hours. And because tonight was the new moon, there would be no moonlight to guide them back home safely. They would either be eaten by wolves, stolen by robbers, or drowned in the deceptively deep waters looking for imaginary lucre.
Karen saw a bullfrog and with the speed of youth she quickly scooped him up.
"You're a prince, aren't you? I'll kiss you and be your princess."
She kissed the frog on its lips.
Alas, this triggered the frog to stick his long, sticky tongue out and it went far down Karen's throat, wrapping abound her uvula.
"Mmmppphhhh" said Karen: this sudden sound so startled the frog that his little heart burst, and immediate Rigor mortis set in causing his tongue to remain stuck deep inside Karen's mouth.
Tasha sauntered by and saw that a frog was stuck to her sister's lips.
"You're only supposed to eat the legs" she snickered before running off.
Nathan soon espied her younger sister and just had to school her.
"It's a frog,not a prince you silly little cunt."
Karen, increasingly perplexed and growing ever shorter of breath let loose her bowels causing a nest of nearby squirrels to run for their lives.
"I'm so screwed" she thought before blacking out.
It was then that the Dark Woodsman found her, and scooping her up he took her to his lair...
Kentry, Dean, Donathan, Nathan, Karice, and Tasha were taking a break to eat their lunch when Karice noticed Karen was missing. As she didn't want to speak with her mouth full, she continued chewing her biscuit, but just as she swallowed a filthy gloved hand clapped over her mouth and another hand scooped her up by the armpit and whisked her away as silent as a rabbit's ear twitch.
Nathan was the next to notice their dwindling numbers. Just as he was about to bark the names of the missing, another pair of filthly gloved hands whisked him away as well. One by one the siblings were snatched and loaded into rough burlap sacks. The sacks were redolent with the fragrance of soporific herbs, and each sibling passed out in the dark of their respective sacks, unawares that they were being taken the the lair of the Dark Woodsman.
Hours later they all managed to break out of their herb induced slumber and found themselves in a dark, damp cellar. A skeleton was chained to a wall on the far end. Dean counted. Six. Karen was missing. Suddenly they heard the door at the top of the cellar open and saw their sister at the top of the stairs munching on a drum stick.
"Took y'all long enough to wake up," Karen taunted her older siblings
"At least none of us pick up frogs and kiss them to see if they turn into rich single men." Tasha retorted.
"Well, you should be doing that. These woods are filled with enchanted frogs if you know where to look," replied a booming baritone behind Karen. The six siblings looked up in terror. It was the Dark Woodsman. He motioned for them to come up the stairs.
Terrified, but famished, the followed the scent of fried chicken and biscuits. Out of the cellar they found a table set with enough plates for everyone. The Dark Woodsman explained that he and his band of robbers had thought the children were spies sent by the dwarf kingdom, but after removing the frog from Karen's throat and listening to her tale, they realized the children were a bunch of backwoods hicks who lived in poverty. Not even educated or good looking enough to resell as slaves. So neglected by God that even a pack of murderous robbers and their leader felt sorry for them.
The Dark Woodsman began, "Your step mother sent you all on a fool's errand hoping you would die. It would be no trouble at all for me and my men to take you back to your dilapidated shack, but then your step mother would just come up with another way for you to 'accidentally' die. So I think maybe we can help each other. I will get rid of your step mother, but I need some children to use as bait to lure a certain witch out of her lair. You may have heard of Axl Rose, who lives in an enchanted treehouse called the James L. Knight Center."
Dean piped up, "But that's just a scary bedtime story. Axl Rose isn't a real witch who eats children."
"Oh no?" challenged the Dark Woodsman. "Then whose dong is this?" He took from his leather pouch a dried up thing that looked like a mushroom. "This is the severed penis of the witch Axl Rose. I intend to get the rest of her."
The children passed the severed member around, eyeing it quasi-professionally.
"It sort of looks like Daddy's" said Karice; "But it's so withered and not hard and smooth" noted Kentry.
The wheels in the Dark Woodsman's mind started to spin.
"Oh, are you children familiar with a man's penis?"
"Sure we are" they all said at once; "That's how we get our vitamins."
"OK then...here's what we do. Y'all go knock on Axl's door and say you're lost; he'll invite you in and eventually he'll want one or more or you to suck his penis. I don't have to tell you why he wants it or what will happen when you do, but just before it happens I want you to take his cock out of your mouth and shove this cork really deep into his pee hole. He'll explode into a thousand points of light. Since we don't know which of you ragamuffins he'll select I'll give each of you a cork. Do this service for me and I will deal with your wicked step-mother upon your return."
"But you said this is his penis" noted Dean, waving the wizard's pizzle.
"It was, but via magic he grew a new one. Now, off you go."
He ordered his Merry Men to take the children to the James L. Knight Center: soon the children of the damned found themselves trembling and knocking at the door of the witch's stronghold.
Lightning flashed; thunder boomed; wolves howled.
It was a dark and stormy night...
The witch opened the door with fast swing intended to make the terrified children even more likely to shit themselves. "Welcome to the jungle!" she boomed.
Donathan could no longer control his bowels and let loose an audible egg fart. Upon hearing and smelling it, the witch Axl Rose's face softened and she exclaimed, "Oh goody! Fart carolers. Please play one of my hits. Any one. Surprise me!"
The children looked at each other and then nodded in silent agreement. They began farting to the tune of Welcome to the Jungle, with Karice and Tasha working the melody and their brothers and Karen doing the harmony. It was good thing they had just eaten a gas producing meal at the Dark Woodsman's house. Axl sat down cross legged in front of the children to better hear and smell the farts. While they were on the second verse, Tasha realized she was close enough to the witch to put the magic cork right in her mouth. Not wanting to wait for the witch's dong to appear, Tasha waited until Axl closed her eyes in ecstasy and made her move.
Bam!
The light show was beautiful and the children wondered if their corks would work on other beings and creatures. Nathan espied a parrot in a cage on the mantel. "Let's stick a cork in the parrot," he said, but Kentry held him back. He had a better idea. He huddled with his siblings and explained that they had six corks with which to make their enemies explode in a thousand points of light. Now that they had done the Dark Woodsman's bidding, they were free to seek vengeance on six people who had most wronged them.
It was payback time.