Page 10 of 10 FirstFirst ... 678910
Results 181 to 200 of 200

Thread: Milking Free Play

  1. #181
    Originally Posted by mickeycrimm View Post
    Originally Posted by Rob.Singer View Post
    mickey has no knowledge about anything in LV, and all he does is parrot what the penny players who worry more about comps than winning money, stammer about on vpfree. He has no clue, and regularly copies info from other forums and esp. Wizardofodds in order to make it look like he knows what he's talking about.

    Stations does it exactly as I said. SP is even more strict with anyone who wins consistently. And naturally, if you get free play from anywhere these days, run in and collect it without playing like you did to get it, almost all or all casino marketing computers will no mail you or insult you with worthless offers.
    I'm gonna bust you out every time you post up phony shit, Rob. That's pretty much every post you make.
    Translation: the truth hurts

  2. #182
    Originally Posted by Rob.Singer View Post
    That's what fat, out of shape people say because they have no shame. Tucking a tee into jeans means you have little to none of the fat that 99% of gamblers have--esp. at my age.
    I've been telling people for weeks that Argentino is the sexiest man alive. He's so hot, Republicans blame him for climate change.
    Last edited by redietz; 04-14-2018 at 12:21 PM.

  3. #183
    Originally Posted by redietz View Post
    I've been telling people for weeks that Argentino is the sexiest man alive. He's so hot, Republicans blame him for climate change.
    It's sad how you've been reduced to a one line one hit wonder.

    You have nothing .... Nothing ... Of course unless you post some fish stories about 6 figure wins from off shore casinos. Their always an entertaining read of accumulated bullshit.

  4. #184
    Originally Posted by blackhole View Post
    Originally Posted by redietz View Post
    I've been telling people for weeks that Argentino is the sexiest man alive. He's so hot, Republicans blame him for climate change.
    It's sad how you've been reduced to a one line one hit wonder.

    You have nothing .... Nothing ... Of course unless you post some fish stories about 6 figure wins from off shore casinos. Their always an entertaining read of accumulated bullshit.
    Yes Hole, we know...no one has nothing, zilch, nada except for you...fucking clown

  5. #185
    Platinum
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Location
    Stumptown
    Posts
    1,881
    Originally Posted by Keystone View Post
    Originally Posted by Prozema View Post
    Originally Posted by Keystone View Post

    He won’t...don’t you guys know by know he gets off on this stuff...the more people argue, the more he whacks his little pud in front of his computer...old news
    He should try that but with porn. It works better.
    Not for him
    Small comments from small minds.

    As for the "lie" accusation: as Singer pointed out the IRS would quickly find out he that wasn't reporting W-2G income on his returns; he said he hasn't filed returns for twenty years.

    He would NOT have flown under the radar without detection that long, not with over $700K yearly in W-2G's as claimed.

    The IRS would have tagged him, if not directly via them contacting him at the address on file with them and the W-2G issuing casinos, then by having casinos report him to the IRS when he gets new hand pays.

    You wanna believe his brag, fine by me, no skin off my nose, but I think he's a liar.

    Now, where's my pipe and my bowl? ( I'm such a merry old soul).
    What, Me Worry?

  6. #186
    Originally Posted by MisterV View Post
    Originally Posted by Keystone View Post
    Originally Posted by Prozema View Post

    He should try that but with porn. It works better.
    Not for him
    Small comments from small minds.

    As for the "lie" accusation: as Singer pointed out the IRS would quickly find out he that wasn't reporting W-2G income on his returns; he said he hasn't filed returns for twenty years.

    He would NOT have flown under the radar without detection that long, not with over $700K yearly in W-2G's as claimed.

    The IRS would have tagged him, if not directly via them contacting him at the address on file with them and the W-2G issuing casinos, then by having casinos report him to the IRS when he gets new hand pays.

    You wanna believe his brag, fine by me, no skin off my nose, but I think he's a liar.

    Now, where's my pipe and my bowl? ( I'm such a merry old soul).
    He put up pictures of his April freeplay, about $4000 worth. On a yearly basis that's about 50K. I don't know the exact trigger points but my guesstimate is it would take a wager somewhere between $5,000,000 and $7,000,000 in the year to generate that much freeplay. You can't run that much action without accumulating a lot of W2-G's. You guys seem to think that W2-G's are all profit. They're not. If you can show an earn of 15% of the total of the W2-G's you are doing damn good.
    Hate crime hoaxes? The left's demand for biggots greatly exceeds the supply.

  7. #187
    Originally Posted by Keystone View Post
    Yes Hole, we know...no one has nothing, zilch, nada except for you...fucking clown
    Wrong, plenty of people offer plenty. It's you who has proven time and time again who have nothing. Absolutely NOTHING

  8. #188
    Platinum
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Location
    Stumptown
    Posts
    1,881
    Originally Posted by mickeycrimm View Post
    He put up pictures of his April freeplay, about $4000 worth. On a yearly basis that's about 50K. I don't know the exact trigger points but my guesstimate is it would take a wager somewhere between $5,000,000 and $7,000,000 in the year to generate that much freeplay. You can't run that much action without accumulating a lot of W2-G's. You guys seem to think that W2-G's are all profit. They're not. If you can show an earn of 15% of the total of the W2-G's you are doing damn good.
    Understood.

    I simply don't believe he collected hand pays as claimed for twenty years without paying tax on it, without reporting the income, and that he never got contacted by the IRS; it is not something they'd ignore, overlook or forgive.

    It would have been fine had he not tried coming off as a hard ass scoff law.

    I assume most AP's who get lots of W-2G's report the income on their returns, as well as corresponding losses to avoid tax liability while honoring their requirement as good citizens to file a tax return.
    What, Me Worry?

  9. #189
    Originally Posted by MisterV View Post
    Originally Posted by mickeycrimm View Post
    He put up pictures of his April freeplay, about $4000 worth. On a yearly basis that's about 50K. I don't know the exact trigger points but my guesstimate is it would take a wager somewhere between $5,000,000 and $7,000,000 in the year to generate that much freeplay. You can't run that much action without accumulating a lot of W2-G's. You guys seem to think that W2-G's are all profit. They're not. If you can show an earn of 15% of the total of the W2-G's you are doing damn good.
    Understood.

    I simply don't believe he collected hand pays as claimed for twenty years without paying tax on it, without reporting the income, and that he never got contacted by the IRS; it is not something they'd ignore, overlook or forgive.

    It would have been fine had he not tried coming off as a hard ass scoff law.

    I assume most AP's who get lots of W-2G's report the income on their returns, as well as corresponding losses to avoid tax liability while honoring their requirement as good citizens to file a tax return.
    I file taxes and offset wins with losses.... But apparently I have a small mind, sooo.... Yeah.

  10. #190
    Platinum
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Location
    Stumptown
    Posts
    1,881
    Originally Posted by Prozema View Post
    I file taxes and offset wins with losses.... But apparently I have a small mind, sooo.... Yeah.
    I file every year, report W-2G income and offset wins with losses.

    Where we differ is in the size of our minds.

    Don't worry, you'll find a woman who will learn to love you: it is said that "one size fits all."
    What, Me Worry?

  11. #191
    Originally Posted by blackhole View Post
    Originally Posted by Keystone View Post
    Yes Hole, we know...no one has nothing, zilch, nada except for you...fucking clown
    Wrong, plenty of people offer plenty. It's you who has proven time and time again who have nothing. Absolutely NOTHING
    *Yawn*...yes Hole...repeating yourself is one of the first signs of senility...now run along and go yell at your wife and grandkids some more, you cantankerous old fuck

  12. #192
    Originally Posted by MisterV View Post
    Originally Posted by Prozema View Post
    I file taxes and offset wins with losses.... But apparently I have a small mind, sooo.... Yeah.
    I file every year, report W-2G income and offset wins with losses.

    Where we differ is in the size of our minds.

    Don't worry, you'll find a woman who will learn to love you: it is said that "one size fits all."
    I have no doubt that our minds are very different.

  13. #193
    Originally Posted by Keystone View Post
    *Yawn*...yes Hole...repeating yourself is one of the first signs of senility...now run along and go yell at your wife and grandkids some more, you cantankerous old fuck
    Nothing .... Absolutely nothing. Like they say in poker "you're drawing dead"

  14. #194
    Originally Posted by MisterV View Post
    Originally Posted by mickeycrimm View Post
    He put up pictures of his April freeplay, about $4000 worth. On a yearly basis that's about 50K. I don't know the exact trigger points but my guesstimate is it would take a wager somewhere between $5,000,000 and $7,000,000 in the year to generate that much freeplay. You can't run that much action without accumulating a lot of W2-G's. You guys seem to think that W2-G's are all profit. They're not. If you can show an earn of 15% of the total of the W2-G's you are doing damn good.
    Understood.

    I simply don't believe he collected hand pays as claimed for twenty years without paying tax on it, without reporting the income, and that he never got contacted by the IRS; it is not something they'd ignore, overlook or forgive.

    It would have been fine had he not tried coming off as a hard ass scoff law.

    I assume most AP's who get lots of W-2G's report the income on their returns, as well as corresponding losses to avoid tax liability while honoring their requirement as good citizens to file a tax return.
    Of course he never did what he claimed, and if his Chinese wife knew the nonsense he was spewing here here she'd come after him with a cleaver. He simply took kewlj's pile of BS, added about ten pounds of horseshit, and let it fly. Now the only people he's impressing are MC and redietz. And that's a pair that'll beat ANY full house.

  15. #195
    Originally Posted by MisterV View Post
    Originally Posted by Prozema View Post
    I file taxes and offset wins with losses.... But apparently I have a small mind, sooo.... Yeah.
    I file every year, report W-2G income and offset wins with losses.

    Where we differ is in the size of our minds.

    Don't worry, you'll find a woman who will learn to love you: it is said that "one size fits all."
    There used to be guys that hung around the teams and would sign W-2G's for 10%. The type of guys doing it didn't give a rats ass about the IRS. They were around for years and none of them ever went to jail. They're probably still doing it.
    Hate crime hoaxes? The left's demand for biggots greatly exceeds the supply.

  16. #196
    mickey, have you not yet learned that nobody listens to your "tough guy" proclamations about supposedly knowing how this loser or that fatass outsmarted the law and the IRS years ago?

    In case you missed it, everything is now computerized and digital, and nobody skates by. Nobody.

    I spent some time today working with someone on this, and this is what came to my attention:

    If a forum or website owner becomes aware of any kind of stated or admitted criminal activity by any person using their site, it is a felony not to report it to the FBI.

    I wouldn't ignore this but of course, we have tough drunk mickeycrimm ready to pretend he knows a bunch of stiffs in casino bars who regularly put agents in their place.

  17. #197
    If a tax man and a lawyer were both drowning and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

  18. #198
    Originally Posted by monet View Post
    If a tax man and a lawyer were both drowning and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
    It depends on the time of day.

  19. #199
    deleted. duplicate
    Last edited by mickeycrimm; 04-15-2018 at 04:32 AM.
    Hate crime hoaxes? The left's demand for biggots greatly exceeds the supply.

  20. #200
    Gosh, there are a lot of lawyer jokes.

    What do lawyers use for birth control?
    Their personalities.

    How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
    His lips move.

    What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
    There are skid marks in front of the dog.

    Why don't snakes bite attorneys?
    Professional courtesy.

    What do we have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
    Not enough sand.

    What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
    A doberman pinscher.

    What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
    The vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer Miles.

    What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
    The vulture eventually lets go.

    What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
    An offer you can't understand.

    What's the difference between baseball and law?
    In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

    How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
    She has an extreme craving for baloney.

    What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?
    One's a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding scavenger. The other is a fish

    If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them,
    would you go to lunch or read the paper?

    What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
    Not enough cement.

    How do you save a drowning lawyer?
    Take your foot off his head.

    What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
    When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

    What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
    There was an empty seat.

    Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
    An ambulance backed up suddenly.

    Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
    From chasing parked ambulances.

    What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
    A vampire only gets blood at night.

    What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
    When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

    How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
    Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

    If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
    It might be your bicycle.

    How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
    Cut the rope.

    How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
    You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

    If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
    Shoot the lawyer twice.

    What do a lawyer and sperm have in common?
    They both have a one in a million chance of being human.

    What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
    A good start!

    What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
    A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

    How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: How much can you afford?
    A2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
    A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw in a light bulb...

    What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
    A tick falls off of you when you die.

    Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
    To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

    What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
    Lipstick.

    What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
    Skeet.

    Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
    If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

    "Lawyers: are persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief." --Franz Kafka

    I used to be a lawyer, but now I am a reformed character." --Woodrow Wilson

    "The minute you read something you don't understand, you can be almost sure it was drawn up by a lawyer." --Will Rogers

    No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. -- Jean Giradoux

    There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.' - Michael Lara

    There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.

    There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.

    Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.

    The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."

    God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

    The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?"

    At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. But, it's hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."

    Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy" you'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

    A lawyer drags in from a day on the golf course looking wasted. His wife asks, "What's the matter?" "My partner, Henry, dropped dead on the fifth green," the lawyer replied. "That's terrible," said his wife. "You'd better believe it," the lawyer said. "After that it was nothing but hit the ball and drag Henry. Hit the ball and drag Henry...."

    When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

    A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed, "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked, "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

    A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

    An engineer, a physicist and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as a chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the Unites States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also answered "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of the interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

    A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

    A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

    "How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

    Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honour," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your honour," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

    "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

    These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".

    Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

    A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

    A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney wired the firm, "Justice prevailed." The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately."

    Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

    How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    54. Eight to argue, 1 to get a continuance, 1 to object, 1 to demur, 2 to research precedents, 1 to dictate a letter, 1 to stipulate, 5 to turn in their time cards, 1 to depose, 1 to write interrogatories, 2 to settle, 1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and 28 to bill for professional services.

    Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other." "Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

    A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month." He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked,"What can I do for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone."

    Two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office-I forgot to lock the safe!" "What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."

    A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." The attorney said, "well, do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way, 'WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

    Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

    Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

    Two lawyers met at a cocktail party. "How's business?" asked the first. "Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper."

    A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 (attorneys don't carry cash; it's too plebeian). Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

    The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins: (1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty. (2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. (3) Overcharging fees to many clients. (4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case. And the list goes on for quite awhile. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."

    At the funeral of a lady was her doctor, a friend and her lawyer. Each had promised her that at her funeral they would toss $1000 into her grave. The doctor and friend each tossed in their $1000 cash, after which the lawyer removed the cash and placed a check for $3000.

    Lawyers are the only profession where the more there are, the more are needed!

    Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

    "When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty;
    When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace;
    When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice."
    --Lin Yutang

    For three years, a young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

    A rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed. The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a cow in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. Two minutes later, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...

    Two lawyers made a date to have lunch together. The first person showed up on time, but the second person didn't show until 1-1/2 hours after they were supposed to meet... 1st lawyer: "How come you're so late?" 2nd lawyer: "Oh, I ran over a milk bottle and got a flat tire.." 1st lawyer: "A milk bottle? Didn't you see it in the road?" 2nd lawyer: "No - the kid had it under his coat..."

    When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

    Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

    A man goes goes to lawyer for help. Man: What is your least expensive fee? Lawyer: $50 for three questions. Man: That's pretty expensive isn't it? Lawyer: Yes. So what's your third question?

    Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second one said, "I think librarians are easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third one said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their tail are interchangeable."

    "You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent. "And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition. Banging his gavel sharply, His Honor interrupted: "All right, now that both attorneys have been identified, let's get on with this case."

    A lawyer is driving his new, red, convertible BMW when he runs a red light and is broad-sided by a Ford. He stumbles out in shock, all the while whining "My Beamer. My poor Beamer". A cop arrives on the scene and points out "Sir, your arm has been torn off". The lawyer looks at where his left arm used to be and screams "My Rolex!!!"

    Imagine the appeals, dissents and remandments, if lawyers had written 'The Ten Commandments.'

    In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident on either, however. They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes. It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The laywer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away. "Aren't you also going to have a drink?" the doctor says. "After the police get here." replies the lawyer.

    A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. This pasttime was immensely enjoyable to the truck driver. One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he thought he would do a good turn by offering the priest a lift. He pulled the truck over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." With that, the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

    Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind, "Do I tell my partner?"

    The temperature control in Hell went haywire and the heat started to make even the condition in Heaven uncomfortable. St. Peter got Satan on the horn and yelled, "You'd better fix that immediately or I'll sue." On hearing that, Satan chuckled, "Oh yeah, how? I have all the lawyers down here. And besides, how can I fix it when you have all the good engineers?"

    Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

    Talk is cheap...until lawyers get involved.

    "My daddy is a movie actor, and sometimes he plays the good guy, and sometimes he plays the lawyer." - Malcolm Ford, to his preschool classmates on what his father, actor Harrison Ford, does for a living.

    Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.

    A true story: I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

    4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.

    It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

    A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"."Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

    Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

    The problem with lawyer jokes is that most lawyers don't think they are funny, and most people don't understand that they're just jokes!

    A redundancy in wording: Criminal Lawyer

    Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

    A lawyer was asked if he would like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case.

    "Everybody in my family follows the medical profession," said John. "They're all lawyers."

    My parents sent my brother through law school. He graduated and is suing them for wasting seven years of his life.

    The following are excerpted from actual court transcripts...

    Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

    Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q. Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

    A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double." The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would Iike ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just recieved $20,000,000," the genie said. "I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish." Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just recieved two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?" "Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

    A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

    A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he shrieked. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh no....", replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been. "Where's my Rolex???"

    Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick-skinned, short-sighted, and always ready to charge.

    He saw a lawyer killing a viper
    On a dunghill hard by his own stable,
    And the Devil smiled, for it put him in mind
    Of Cain and his brother Abel. --Samuel Taylor Coleridge

    One day a tourist wandered into a curio shop in Hong Kong. Way in the back, amidst the clutter, he found a brass statuette of a rat. It was beautifully crafted, and the man decided he rather liked it. "How much?" he asked the elderly Chinese shopkeeper. "Five dollar," the shopkeeper replied. "Hundred dollar with story." Five dollars seemed like a good price, and the tourist decided that he could live without knowing the story of the brass rat. So he bought it. As he wandered on through the streets of Hong Kong, however, the man noticed with surprise that he was not alone. Rats were emerging from buildings, the sewers, everywhere, in ever increasing numbers, and following him. Before long there were so many that he became genuinely frightened. Finding himself at the water's edge, the now terrified man hurled the brass rat into the bay. He heaved a sigh of relief as the thousands of rats hurled themselves into the bay after it and promptly began to drown. Shaken, the man made his way back to the curio shop. The old Chinese shopkeeper looked amused. "You come back for story?" he asked. The tourist shook his head. "No," he said. "I just wanted to know if you had a brass lawyer."
    http://www1.udel.edu/johnmack/frec406/lawyer_jokes.html
    True addicts are incredibly credible. Gambling is just another word for keep losing. Nothing is funnier than watch people try to "vent" on an internet gambling site. A bozo's set of bozos whether "system" or "advantage" play. Each type to whichever degree could make billions in the markets were any of it viable. It's great to be a spectator of gambling, ie, not to have one leg and arm stuck in the "grave" like the cunts, cowards and crackpots here. Forever 57.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Negotiating free play?
    By Alan Mendelson in forum Las Vegas
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: 12-22-2015, 06:53 PM
  2. Rob Singer: $325 Free Play
    By Alan Mendelson in forum Las Vegas
    Replies: 43
    Last Post: 06-21-2015, 01:15 AM
  3. Free play @ rincon
    By Nash in forum California/Western US Casinos
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 06-10-2015, 03:39 PM
  4. Use cash before free play?
    By Alan Mendelson in forum Las Vegas
    Replies: 52
    Last Post: 12-17-2014, 12:27 PM
  5. $100 free play
    By Alan Mendelson in forum Las Vegas
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 01-07-2012, 07:26 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •