Gamblin' Gal...KAREN

[pinchingyourballs]

Karen Nathan was excited. Tonight was going to be her first time attending an official meeting of the Florida Underground Club of Karens & Alternate Spellings -- F.U.C.K.A.S. -- a support group and social club for women named Karen and other spelling variations thereof. She had on her finest casino carpet design muumuu and matching velour handbag, smartly accented with a purple sunhat from the dollar store. Finally I get to spend some quality time with women of culture, she mused.

As Karen entered the meeting hall, she was greeted by a cheerful woman who handed her a "My name is ___" sticker and sharpie.

"What's this for?" Karen Nathan asked. "Ain't we all named Karen here?"

"Oh yes, but some of us spell it a standard way and others have more, uh, creative spins on the old standard. It's very important to have your spelling displayed. You'll see when you get inside the ball room."

Our heroine Karen Nathan obliged and wrote KAREN in her neatest handwriting, then affixed the sticker over her bosom. As she neared the ballroom entrance, she heard the hustle and bustle of hundreds of Karens (and as she would soon discover, Carens, Karyns, Kerens, Karrens, Karennes, and even a Quran) tittering and laughing loudly. Once inside she immediately espied a buffet table. They better have shrimp cocktails, she mused, I loves me some shrimp.

While piling her plate high with h'ors d'oeuvres, Karen Nathan noticed three timid ladies huddled together whispering in harsh tones. They sounded a bit frightened and were staring intently at Karen Nathan. Karen frowned.

"You bitches got a problem with my horse doovers? I ain't ate lunch today, I'm hungry, a'ight?" Karen noticed their name tags. One was a Caren, one a Caron, and one a Caryn. Weird, Karen mused, I never noticed how odd it looks to spell Karen with a C. Glad mine is spelt the normal way.

Just then a tall, confident looking woman approached her from the side, holding out her hand. "Hi! My name's Karen Kentry. You're new here, so you should know that we have a pecking order of Karens. Those of us who spell it K-A-R-E-N are at the top of the heap, so to speak." Then Karen Kentry bent down low and whispered, "And each meeting we sacrifice one among us with a lesser spelling. Usually someone with a C, but last week the sacrifice was an unfortunate Kerrynn."

Karen Nathan chewed and swallowed her shrimp before asking the most natural question: "What for?"

Karen Kentry smiled mysteriously, "According to the Popul Vuh, Hun Hunahpu will emerge from Xibalba only after an appropriate number of sacrifices of women whose name sounds like Karen."

Karen Nathan was taken aback. Everyone knew Classical Mayan literature made no mention of Karens or the need to sacrifice them. "That is a completely unorthodox interpretation of the Popul Vuh. It almost sounds like you are doing a mash-up of Mesoamerican mythologies in order to justify garden variety sadism."

Just then the ballroom lights dimmed and a voice came in over the intercom: "Ladies, if you would all assume your battle positions..."

[pinchingyourballs]

In the dark, Karen Kentry grabbed Karen Nathan's hand and led her two a cordoned off VIP area where many women named "Karen" were seated. Karen Kentry explained, "Now there will be a battle between Karens with lesser spellings. You see in the corner over there, the Carens and Carins have an alliance. Over there, the Karyns and Karins are allied. Due to their strength in numbers, they never end up at the bottom when the rankings come out, so we haven't yet needed to sacrifice a Karyn or Karin."

"But Ms. Kentry," Karen Nathan protested, "In many parts of northern Europe, the spelling Karin is considered standard."

"Well, this the armpit of Florida, not northern Europe," Karen Kentry retorted.

Karen Nathan watched the proceedings with horror and revulsion. A small group of women named Qa'Wren, Quran, Kherrinne, Ckairn, Kare'Un, and Caerrhyn were shitting on the floor, while two women named Qeiryyn and Cheron were using their bare hands to form it into a wall of protection. Karen Nathan asked her companion, "Those women have the most retarded spellings of Karen that I have ever seen. What the fuck is they doing with their feces?"

"They are trying to survive."

[MisterV]

Meanwhile, Karen Karin Tasha had missed the last bus and while walking home she heard the clamor of female voices coming from inside a former Masonic temple; curious she peeked inside and was rendered unconscious.

Shortly thereafter the interloper awoke, finding herself in the middle of a makeshift wrestling ring, surrounded by women chanting "Kill...,maim...destroy the spy..."

"What is I and I doin' in heah?"

"We FUCKASes don't take kindly to spies" answered a rather formidable specimen, holding a miter in one hand and a mace in the other.

"Wha' spies? I and I was jes walkin' home fro' work an was cur-yus, 'dat's all."

"So you say...let's look in your hideous handbag and see who you REALLY are..."

The hideous handbag was dumped on the floor, its contents rifled through, and then a loud scream came from the woman holding Karen Karin Tasha's purse: "IT IS SHE!"

Silence gripped the room like the hand of a drunken sailor cupping the breast of a ten dollar crack whore.

"It is SHE whom we have long awaited: our Savior has finally arrived!"

The Walgreen's slug didn't understand exactly what was happening but she was happy to see the change in the mood of the room and listened carefully.

"As it was written in the Karan lo those many years ago a savior has emerged to lead us so that we once again rule the world. All hail Karen Karin!"

In Pavlovian response the women all farted briskiy, tunefully, then blissfully breathed the collective aroma.

Quickly grasping the dynamics of the situation Karen Karin Tasha unfurled a true gut-ripper, one for the ages; it held a high "C" for ten seconds then concluded with a devastating thunderclap, followed by the foulest stench imaginable, permeating the air to a redolent degree..

"A sign! It truly is SHE whom we've long awaited."

The befuddled Bingo addict silently thanked her lucky stars that her mother's autism, ADHD and native stupidity had confused her while filling out Karen Karin's birth certificate; until now she'd only been mocked and jeered for her naming.

Karen Karin Tasha found that being lionized, worshiped and adored like this was preferable: she boldly stood up, eyed the ladies surrounding her and said "I and I has a 'portant 'nouncement..."

[pinchingyourballs]

Karen Karin Tasha cleared her throat and motioned for several Karens to get on their hands and knees so that they might form a human soapbox upon which to stand. Once at her "podium," she began:

"Tell General Casino Bingo I know his heart. What he told me before, I have in my heart. I am tired of losing bingo. Our chiefs are killed. Looking Glass is dead. Toohoolhoolzote is dead. The old men are all dead. It is the young men who say yes and no. He who led on the young men to bingo is dead. It is cold and we have no bingo cards. The little children are freezing to death. My people, some of them, have run away to the hills and have no bingo cards, no comps; no one knows where they are—perhaps freezing to death. I want to have time to look for my children and see how many I can find to play bingo. Maybe I shall find them among the dead. Hear me, my chiefs. I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands I will fight no more forever."

Karen Nathan, who had hid in the corner in a fetal position during the whole fracas, was deeply moved by this speech. It sounded like something she had heard before, but she couldn't place where. Out of the corner of her eye she espied Karen Kentry, looking mad and holding the severed head of a very unfortunate Cairrin. Karen Nathan was about to say something when Karen Kentry chucked the head at Karen Karin Tasha, hitting the latter square on the head. Karen Kentry barked,

"The Popul Vuh is very clear that anyone stepping up to be the Chosen One must pass three trials. The first of which is a game of naked checkers where your opponent shall be a well endowed hobo who has taken a handful of Viagra. The second is a classical Mayan soccer game using a head instead of soccer ball. And the third is to come up with the most absolutely dead ass retarded spelling of Karen that has ever been typed by human thumbs."

[MisterV]

Karen Karin Tasha barked a deep queef at this affront, saying "Lis'n here biatch, I an' I don't knows 'dis Popul Vuh shit, and I and I don't wants to knows it. All I and I wants is to win at Bingo and seek revenge on those white devils."

Karen Nathan sneered, saying "Oh, you're a pussy, eh, bitch?"

Without further ado Karen Karin Tasha grabbed Karen Nathan's head in her two meaty paws and with the strength gained from years of button pushing she twisted then ripped her head clean off her body.

While the corpse was still twitching Karen Karin Tasha dropped her Barbie-themed panties and defecated upon her.

"Are 'dere any utter ques-chins?"

Silence.

"You wants me to leads you 'den you gots to helps me win a' Bingo."

Carynn Caoli piped in with "I'm fucking this guy who is a Bingo caller; he said he's just hoping to find a player to work in cahoots with; he said he can yell "Bingo" and have her come up and without ever showing her card to anyone else he can pronounce her the winner."

These words smacked of the truth: "Wha' casino do he calls Bingo at?"

"Hialeah Park."

"Leads me to him..." And with a hop, skip and a jump voila', they walked through to maw of the local lair of the Lost and Forlorn, espying the Bingo hall.

[MisterV]

Errata...line above should read..."he said she can yell "Bingo."...

[MisterV]

Karen mused while restocking the shampoos at Walgreens: "I sho' is glad to leaves dem gamblin' boards, dem white devils drived me away."

She was enjoying her "new home:" the local Baptist church.

"Mammie says dat be wheres to meets a husban', but I don' needs me a man,"

Her shift complete she took the city bus home, fortified her gut with some Church's Chicken, then walked through the rain to the church.

As usual at night it was devoid of parishoners, so as was her wont Karen went up front, climbed onto the altar, dropped trou and let loose a gooey, smelly "offering."

"Dis feels good and it bring me closer to god."

Alas, she didn't espy the camera now focused upon her, recently installed in an attempt to nab the Phantom Shitter in the act.

Oops...

[MisterV]

"Mammie, I and I sho' is tired, sellin' all dat plasma shit to pays off dem gamblin' debts."

Karen stood up and pulled up her sweatpants as her mother entered the kitchen, mop in hand.

"Chile, why did you bother dem white devils for money? Has you no shame?"

Karen munched a leg of Church's chicken then said "It be 'cause I needs dem white devils ta 'spect me as a AP."

While mopping, Mammie replied "Respects you? Dey doesn't even know you, how can dey respect you?"

"I and I almost met one o' dem white devils years ago, remember? At de casino..."

"What do you need dere respect fo'? Dat be foolish, girl...go finds you a man and gets outs my house, I'm too old for this shit."

Karen said "Maybe you's right, mammie. I t'ink I'll try somethin new. Ever heard o' 'go fun me?" You asks folks fo' money and dey gives it."

With that Karen retired to her basement dwelling, fired up her old Dell and began her GoFundMe: "I and I needs to impress dem white devils wit my gamblin' skills so send me money so I can win. Thank you and god bless."

Ten minutes later she got her first reply..."What are you wearing?" he asked, and punctuated his query with a dick pic.

Karen smiled: "Dem white devils, dey be so per-dicable."

She pulled down her filth-encrusted sweats, took a pic of her thatch with her phone and sent it off into the ether.

"Mammie, I gots me a live one."

[pinchingyourballs]

Quran Nathan was minding her own business stocking jock itch cream at Walgreens, when a minor local celebrity walked in. Judge Veraverababolinsky, who had a late night show on public access TV, was drunk as a skunk and walking unsteadily, careening first into an umbrella display and then knocking over a the Charmin toilet paper pyramid that Quran's coworker Mohammed Dog had so meticulously constructed. Quran made a noise of disgust while adjusting her chador, but giggled silently at the thought of Mohammed Dog having to rebuild his toilet paper pyramid. He was such a cunt.

Judge V. soon espied our tale's hapless floor clerk and pranced over, farting tunefully with each step.

"Esss cuze mea, do you know where the genitalia wart cream is?" Judge V. slurred.

"No," Quran answered curtly.

"You must be a ttttttttrump voter! You a fasssssshhhhhh ist bitch is what you are!" Judge V. slurred further. From behind her chador Quran rolled her eyes. As she was neither an illegal immigrant, nor a tranny man demanding to be let into women's spaces and sports, she could not care less about Trump. Only an illegal or tranny would give this much of a shit about the election, in her view. Quran continued to ignore the public access TV judge, letting him stew in his faux liberal outrage. But Mohammed overheard from his pyramid. Mohammed put down a package of Charmin and came storming over to judge V.

"This is MAGA Walgreens now!" and with that Mohammed ripped off his Walgreens apron and polo shirt, then snatched a box of ass cream from Quran and smeared a tube of goo all over his chest while making eagle noises. This act of provocation enraged Judge V., who then assumed the position of a charging bull and reamed Mohammed in the stomach. Soon the two idiots where tussling on the floor, once again knocking over Mohammed's toilet paper pyramid.

Quran decided this was as good a time as any to take her break. As she headed to the back of the store, her phone dinged, indicating a new text. She read the message from the unknown number:

"Go to the manager's old office, the one that is being used as a supply closet, lock the door, and hide under the desk. NOW."

Quran bolted as fast as her chador allowed and did what the mysterious text instructed. Once she secured the lock, she turned off the light and listened from under the desk. For the first minute, there was no sound, then, she heard a distant scream, followed by several pops. Instinctively she gathered detritus from the messy room and piled it around herself to better camouflage herself. The sounds of the pops came louder. Whoever was shooting up the store was now in the employees only area in the back. The doorknob was being jiggled from the outside.

[MisterV]

The door opened and lo and behold, 'twas the Stay Puff Marshmallow man.

"Yummy, I and I loves mars-mellos:" she leapt up and bit a chunk out of the intruder.

As luck would have it she bit off his pecker; the emasculated candy creature howled then started to smoke then disappeared in a blinding flash.

Quran Nathan left her hidey hole only to espy that the entire store and its occupants were encased in impermeable marshmallow goo.

She dropped trou and defecated on a stunned Mohammed who mouthed his silent protest while encased in sugary confection.

"You shoulda loaned me 'dat twenty bucks" yelled Quran as she walked away; "Karma be a bitch."

[MisterV]

Quran Nathan viewed the post from the Wizard and queefed loudly in appreciation.

"Thank you Jesus" she thought, "I and I is back in good graces wit all o' my fellow AP's at WoV."

Between giving plasma and working the night shift at the Asian massage parlor it had taken a couple months to clear things up.

"I and I is back."

With that she donned her tin foil hat then drafted and posted a sordid tale in her inimitable style, detailing Life In The Bingo Parlor: intrigue, suspicion, loss, misery and woe.

Her "welcome back to the fold" tale was well received by her fans in the Land of the Lotus Eaters: three of whom emailed her dick pics

While munching a cold chicken leg Quran thought "Hmmm, how can I and I gets as much money outta 'dese white devils as poss-ble?"

The proverbial light bulb illuminated the empty cavern of her noggin; "I and I will gives dem devils the right to adopt and name a louse on my thatch."

With that she put together a post, including close up pics of her bush and its many denizens, and offered them up to the highest WoV bidder; a bidding frenzy ensued.

"Today it be lice, tomorry it be brain worms.".

Her future looked so bright she had to wear shades.

[MisterV]

One of the dick pics she got was from a VCT member (pun intended).

Quran Nathan stifled a laugh, then showed the image to her mammie who asked "Wha is dat, some kinda hairy peanut?"

"no mammie, dat be de source o' my re-tiremet; who need an IRA wit white devils like dis out dere."

The Miami chanteuse PMed her not so secret admirer; soon he proposed a meet n greet.

"He say he gonna drive his really fast car 'cross de country to sees me."

"Do he got any money?"

"He say he rich, he say he wins at 'sinos alla time and he posted pictures of lots of money so it must be true."

"Dem white devils, dey lie some times, chile."

"I and I knows dat mammie; dat's why I and I wears dis tin foil mouseketeer cap when I and I PM's him, to sep-rate de truth fro de lies."

"Well when de white devil get here have him buys you a box o' chicken fo yo poor mammie."

"Wit de money dis fool gives me I and I'll buy you a bucket."

They laughed and laughed...

[pinchingyourballs]

Kentry snatched the last page of his manuscript from the typewriter and read the last line, "They laughed and laughed..." out loud to his cat, Kewl Mom. Kewl Mom meowed from her perch on the litterbox, then sniffed the turd she just laid. "Well, if it's good enough for the cat, it's good enough for Harper Collins!" and with that, Kentry neatly stuffed his manuscript in a big envelope and set out on his bike to the post office.

The line at the post office was long. Behind him was local homeless celebrity, Judge V., who was rumored to live in the woods in a hut made entirely of Harris-Walz signs. He had a box to mail. When Kentry asked what was in the box, Judge V. only laughed. Many of the people in line he recognized as his fellow townsfolk, including Tasha MacIntasha, a successful and wealthy business woman who turned her hobby of floor shitting into a lucrative Only Fans gig. But in front of him was a man dressed in women's clothes whom Kentry did not recognize. He had a big old zit on the back of his neck, and Kentry mentally made a note of it and decided to call the man B.O.Z. The mysterious B.O.Z. character was mailing a long box roughly the length and width of a man. From the awkward way B.O.Z. was carrying the box, it looked as if it weighed as much as a man.

Kentry, always looking to make new friends, tapped the man on the shoulder and said, "Hello, I haven't seen you around these parts. My name is Kentry. I'm mailing my novel manuscript to a fancy publisher. I'm going to be a famous writer. What are you mailing?"

B.O.Z. grunted and scowled before answering Kentry's question with a "Fuck you!" Then he turned around. Kentry was stunned that someone could be so mean to him on a forum, oops, I mean line at the post office.

Kentry decided to speak no further, but kept his eyes fixed on the box. He couldn't be sure, but he thought he heard a sound coming from it.

[MisterV]

His curiosity trumped politelness: "Sir, there is something alive in your box" said Kentry.

B.O.Z. was not amused at this effrontery.

"I said fuck off...what, you want to eat a knuckle sandwich?"

A chastened Kentry slinked back but then espied the box moving a bit and a voice coming from within, saying "Help me, please."

Kentry reached for a nearby box cutter, aiming to open the box, but B.O.Z. served him a knuckle sandwich which rendered him unconscious.

He woke up ten years later, having been comatose due to TBI; he found himself in a filthy bed, encrusted in filth.

Kentry heard a door open and espied a black woman who looked a lot like the Huxstable character on the Cosby Show walk in.

"Lordy be!" she yelped..."You's alive!"

"Where am I?"

"You's in my home, I and I is carin' for you. Dis way de govment pays me an I cans gamble allatime."

"But I am literally lying in my own shit; what kind of care is that?"

"Dat ain't yo' shit, it be mine."

And with that she dropped trou and contributed to his misery.

[pinchingyourballs]

In the box was Garnabby. B.O.Z. was mailing him back to Canada.

[MisterV]

N'kluyuk heard the drone of an incoming plane.

Smiling, she went to meet it and yes, her dear, sweet husband had finally returned, after many, many years of aimless wandering.

She hitched the dogs to her sled and mushed off to what she hoped would be a rekindled romance.

But there was no husband there: only a big box.

"What the fuck!" she yelled, only to hear a muffled "Yeah, what the fuck!"

The quick thinking Aleut used her skinning knife to slice open the box: "Whoa, who are you?"

"And who are you?"

The gray-headed, wrinkled couple eyed one another; the years had been unkind but finally each felt a spark of recognition.

"Why were you in a box?"

"It's the only way I could afford to travel: it's half the price of a bus ticket. And, you know..."

With that, he sat down and said "they're still looking for me, aren't they?"

"Yes, of course they are. what you did was unforgivable."

"Well I need to stay here for awhile. How do I hook up to your internet?"

[MisterV]

Karen McIntasha was distraught; her one, "true" casino friend had suddenly disappeared, leaving her bereft, confused, and with child.

"I and I doesn't knows how dis happened cause I and I is asexual; must be a mir-cle."

Uh, no: that wasn't casino chips he stuck up your coochie, girl.

"Dat white devil, he say he has teary o' ever-ting, but really he be pretty stupid, playing de Big Wheel fo' hours a time. And him makin' me pay for he food allatime: good bye."

Karen tried to convince the preacher at the church where she went to worship and shit that the pregnancy had to be a miracle but the preacher laughed at her, saying "You stupid bitch, we have pics of you shitting on the altar, now you want to shit on the doctrine of Immaculate Conception? Get the fuck out of here or I'll call the cops."

Karen went to the casino to console herself: she lost it all, as usual, but she convinced a homeless guy to give her a nickle so "all is right in the world."

She mused on the bus ride back to the ghetto: "I and I t'ink I and I will names my chile A.P., jus' like he mama."

[pinchingyourballs]

Karen was feeling both overwhelmed and bored as a mother one sunny day, when who should poof back into her life but Rdtz, the cleaning fairy.

"Are you here to help me clean?" asked Karen hopefully.

"No, I'm here to offer you the chance of a lifetime. I want to interview you while you take care of Junior and post it on a gambling forum. Now it's true I don't have a brain, but I have easy access to other people who have brains. So they can help me with all the parts of this self-assigned unpaid task that require a brain."

Karen mulled it over and decided to pass. She did not want her new secret floor shitting method revealed to the public just yet. Instead, she put Rdtz in contact with her old Walgreens coworker Mohammed Dog. Mohammed relished the chance to be interviewed while stacking toilet paper pyramids and gladly agreed to let Rdtz shadow him at work for a few days. He liked feeling important.

On the last day of Rdtz shadowing Mohammed Dog at work, Mohammed was helping a customer when someone familiar walked through the entrance. Oh no, not him again, thought Mohammed Dog.

"Rdtz, we need to hide, quick!" Mohammed hissed at the cleaning fairy turned writer. Mohammed held Rdtz gingerly by the wing tips and squeezed through the secret chamber he had built inside the toilet paper pyramid. Clever dog. Outside the toilet paper monument they listened to the ensuing commotion. Then they shook with fear as footsteps approached the pyramid...

[MisterV]

Karen McIntasha smiled.

"Mammie, I and I is gonna really sock it to dem white devils 'dis time."

"I don't care 'bout dat shit, chile: why doesn't you comes over here and helps me scrub dis old, crusty shit off de kitchen flo'?"

"You don't unna-stand: I and I got dem white devils so confused dey don't knows what's real 'bout my f'nancial sit-e-ation."

"Well I knows dis shit be real."

"Mammie, you knows I and I cannot helps myself when it come to shittin' de flo;: remember what all dem doctors told you 'bout my 'pulsive misorder?"

"But dat was when you was five and smeared yo' shit on de walls: you's a growed woman now, and..."

"Say no more, mammie: as de great MDawg say, de case be closed."

With that the scamming, floor shitting grifter PMed yet another lonely man at WoV, then said: "I and I gots me a live one, mammie."

Meanwhile a swarthy buffoon jerked off to her PM then sent her a dick pic: alas, it was of a horse, not a man, but what the hell did he care about reality?

[MisterV]

"Mammie, 'dat gay white devil KJ, he be pissin' me off, what wit' him tellin' ever-body how I ask him fo' money. Why he has to tel ever-one?"

"Chile, why you has to shit de flo'? Dis really be example o' "same shit, diff-rent day." You is allatime fuckin' up and blaming other t'ings fo' it. Why jus' look at how you shits de flo' and says you cannot helps it, dat your head be broken. Dat be bullshit and you knows it, you is just a selfish, stupid girl and nuthin' more."

Karen chomped a chicken leg and mulled this over.

"If you wasn't my mammie I and I'd slap you."

"And if you wasn't my chile I wouldn't be on my knees cleanin' up yo' shit."

Touche'.